How To Protect Yourself From Mosquitoes While Camping

The four biggest problems encountered while camping are boredom, starvation induced cannibalism, perverse incentives in modern academia, and mosquitoes. Most campers have a handle on the first three but struggle with mosquito protection. Nets, sprays, and being rude are inconvenient and ineffective deterrents. There are, however, many non conventional and highly effective means of protecting yourself and your family or dog or mistress or yoga class. Here are 4 techniques to try! 

  1. Be a wolf in mosquito clothing. Mosquitoes, like humans, and 30% of dogs, prefer not to eat members of their own species.  Camouflage your body with makeup, twigs, and mosquito parts to look like a flock of mosquitoes and your “brethren” will leave you alone. If you are incredibly committed to the metaphor, apply a layer of wolf makeup before putting on your mosquito disguise.
  2. Use a decoy.  Invite a friend you aren’t incredibly fond of and encourage him to “commune with nature” by sleeping outside the tent and forgoing any unnatural chemicals.  If they seem hesitant, remind them that Ernest Hemingway would do it.
  3. Make yourself less attractive. Female mosquitoes use human blood to develop fertile eggs and they can be picky about who they bite. Much like human attraction, our behavior and appearance are indicators to a possible genetic match. Make yourself an unattractive option by being inconsiderate, always late, making overtly racist comments, and consistently forgetting her birthday. Being awkward around children, mosquito or human, is another option.
  4. Give them a buffet. To Die for! Literally. Mosquitoes love blood. Everyone knows that. What many people don’t know, is that obesity is a large problem in the mosquito population. (Obesity is also the 5th most common problem encountered while camping, ranking in behind boredom, starvation induced cannibalism, perverse incentives in modern academia, and mosquitoes!) Prepare a feast for your nagging nematocera that they won’t be able to resist. Acquire at least one gallon of your own blood (This may require a few months of collection, so put camping on your calender right away). Do not attempt this on your own, see a professional phlebotomist, or find an intelligent and cooperative mosquito to assist you. When you arrive at your camp site, coat yourself in your own blood and immediately go to sleep. Do NOT sleep in a tent or this technique will not work. Upon leaving the campsite take solace in the fact that any mosquito who gorged himself on your blood has a life of high blood pressure and diabetes to look forward to later in life. As mosquitoes become more aware of the dangers of obesity, they will slowly reduce their dependence on human blood and seek out healthier alternatives.
Cow Tips!
*Another option: Ask a dialysis tech to replace your blood with poison.
*Goldfish are known to eat mosquito larvae so use Goldfish® Crackers as a scarecrow.
2 Responses to “How To Protect Yourself From Mosquitoes While Camping”
  1. westerner54 says:

    Oh, if only I DID have a handle on those pesky perverse incentives in modern academia! Most campers really have that covered?

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