How To Successfully Cure A Hangover

Why do we do this to ourselves? We know that the morning is going to be horrendous, we know that we don’t need that extra shot, but we take it anyway. And then, like a terrible self-fulfilling prophecy, our nightmare comes true the next morning. A hangover is one of the deadliest afflictions that can happen to any otherwise-entirely-healthy human being, yet there is $0 of medical research allocated towards it every year. But there are ways to get over it, certainly. Here’s the secret.

  1. Turn your phone off. If your phone hasn’t already been destroyed in the previous night’s shenanigans, you’ll need to do something about it today. No one wants to spend the entire day fieldingcalls and texts from your friends asking if you are alive, or that unfortunate hook-up who wants to know if you two are “still on for dinner.” So keep it away from you. The only exception for its usage is to play Temple Run. Or if one of your exes responded positively to your obvious booty text.
  2. Get your mind off your sickness. The more you sit and dwell about how awful you feel, the worse your body and mind will respond. Distract yourself. An easy and effective way is to watch a movie, or a TV show, which kills time and can suck you in. Watch light fare, things that allow you to shut your mind off. Recommended are rom-coms, Nickelodeon shows, or porn (ideally: porn based off Nickelodeon shows)
  3. Eat Something. You need to fill your stomach with something, as hateful as that thought may be. And while people recommended foods that are on the healthier side, those will not do any good. Go all out. The heavier the better. Indian food, chocolate cake, anything Anthony Anderson would eat, you want. The key is to fill yourself so much, that when you inevitably vomit, it’ll be ambiguous as to whether the alcohol or food caused it. Also, your vomit will be a really interesting color and consistency. Oh science!
  4. If all else fails, take a shot. People call it an urban myth, but it’s 100% true: you can very easily cure a hangover by drinking some more. If the headache persists, just simply start imbibing more liquor, and watch the positive effects. You’ll get drunk easier, enabling you to fall into a peaceful sleep. And you’ll wake up fully refreshed 48 hours later, ready to shower the alcohol/food vomit (step 3) off your body, and start the new week!
Cow Tips!
Don’t drink at all if you can’t handle it, you bitch.
Definitely always keep saying how much your night was like the movie “The Hangover” to everyone you meet cause they will definitely believe you and think you are a really cool person
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