How To Relieve Constipation

Every once in a while our bodies become a wee bit stubborn. Ironically, it ain’t wee that we are worried about! It’s poop. For those times when your duodenum isn’t being a good duo you need a little extra help. Don’t waste your time with medicine or other old wive’s tales; follow our advice and Willy Wonka’s chocolate river will be flowing faster than you can say Willy Wonka’s chocolate river.


  1. Use audio visual stimulation. The human body is a complex system that often responds to metaphor or visual inspiration better than medicine. Put on a playlist that really makes you want to “move” and pair it with a sphincter relaxing slide show. The syncopated rhythms of Harry Belafonte are fantastic encouragement when paired with the abstract expressionism of John Altoon.
  2. Be your own best friend. Don’t be so hard on yourself! What would you do if a friend was having trouble releasing the brown python?! Sit next yourself on the toilet and hold your hand while you talk yourself through this trying time.
  3. Practice where you preach. Intense physical pain is often linked to and resolved by religious epiphany. Join a local congregation and excuse yourself to the “little worship room” as soon as possible. It would be rude, blasphemous, and disingenuous (and thus not an effective measure) to simply relieve yourself so make sure to attend at least one potluck with your new brothers and sisters of the faith.
  4. Revisit your childhood. Every twelve year old knows a fool proof way of getting the gears going, even if they don’t know they know it. Hide and go seek! Head out to the nearest playground and organize a game, as soon as it is your turn to hide you will have a visitor at your back door. When he knocks, make sure to answer!
Cow Tips!
*Buy a pack of adult diapers and try sky diving. Hopefully you won’t release in mid air but after such a long tiring day you will likely feel relaxed enough to go when you get home.
*If all else fails, Bobby Brown may be available for booking.

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