How To Pay Your Taxes

Every April millions of Americans struggle to untangle the complicated mess that is a federal tax return while  Wesley Snipes misses the early 90’s. Don’t let tax returns scare you. Look them right in the eyes and let them know that they aren’t the boss of you

  1. Practice Analogies The most notorious part of any tax return is the analogy section. If you can easily solve the following examples, you will be ready for your return.
    1. Fungible : Furniture :: Fancy : ______
    2. Pony: Pony :: Pony : ______
    3. Is : To :: As : _____
  2. List your dependents According to IRS tax code 1A, a dependent is some entity for whom the answer to the question “How do you feel about _______?” is “Eh. Depends.” List anyone who you just can’t get a handle on, this includes the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you who whisper sings along to Madonna, and your friend from high school who always wants to talk about this girl he just met. Make sure to include celebrity dependents such as Lana Del Rey, Childish Gambino; as well as work of art dependents such as Will Ferrell movies and Eminem songs.
  3. File for the job you want, not the job you have. If you think you deserve a big promotion, make sure to file based on your expected future revenue.
  4. Don’t worry about accuracy. The IRS (International Regional Sector) processes over 140 million tax returns each year and even 1 late tax return can ruin Barack Obama’s day. The most important thing is that you file on time. Make sure to fill out words or numbers in every blank space on each form that is available to download from IRS.gov.
  5. Be yourself.  A recent survey of IRS agents revealed that a certain percentage of them will award as many as 10 free points to tax returns with a personality. Use a magic marker, convert your earnings from dollars to Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, or file your return as Seymour Butthol; anything you can do to spice up your tax return could result in valuable points!
Cow Tips!
*Answers to analogy examples. 1)Flimsy 2) Small Horse 3) What
*Once you have completed your return staple it to an unmarked bag of money and leave it in your driveway.
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