How To Flirt Online

Humans have used electronic devices to flirt for as long as electronic devices have been able to be used for flirting. Sometimes it’s hard to know whether to use an IM or send a DM. Is a poke too much? Is a poke too little? How many pokes constitute a prod? Don’t let robots rule your emotional life the way they will rule human government by the year 2023, take back your online flirting!

  1. Identify yourself.  Internet scam artists are more prevalent than ever and you have to ensure your crush knows who they are talking to. Make sure to begin all internet romancing with a customary salutation such as “Hello. It is your friend (Insert Name). I just remembered I wanted to speak with you about a great opportunity. I just found this picture of you online! Lol.”
  2. Stay away from humor. It’s very hard to convey humor via text and you don’t want your future life partner to misinterpret your attempts at levity.  Stay away from humor all together but if you must make a joke be sure to preface it with haha and follow it with lol to clarify any confusion.
  3. Make it clear when you are available to chat. Online etiquette is still an emerging and evolving so being “online” means different things to different people. Whether or not you have anything to say make sure to let your crush know every time you are available to chat. This also applies in the other direction. Anytime you see your crushes screen name pop up in your chat window make sure to ask if they are busy. Some people put up an away message just to avoid talking to cyber pests, make sure to double check.
  4. A picture is worth a thousand words, a gif is worth 10-15 pictures. This means a gif is worth ten to fifteen thousand words. Instead of sending the object of your interest an impersonal gif, spend a few weeks writing a ten thousand word poem.
  5. End Strong. The most important part of any e-flirtation is the impression you leave when you sign off. Don’t just say gtg. Or cya later. This is a great opportunity to be romantic that most people simply ignore. Try GTGGYAP or TTYLAAIAILWY (Got to go get you a present or talk to you later and also I am in love with you).
Cow Tips!
*A cat is worth a thousand gifs so make sure to factor that into your calculations.
*If you ever feel like your conversation is stalling, turn on your webcam and start saying “Can you hear me?” to buy yourself some time.

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