How To Pretend You Are A Wine Connoisseur

After you graduate from college and have entered the “Real World”, you are expected to suddenly morph into a mature human being with refined tastes and preferences (unless of course you are entering “The Real World”, MTV’S aptly-named show about individuals who have to face every-day problems living in nice accommodations in expensive cities). We are given no preparation, no guidebook, nothing, just thrown into environments which we bullshit our way through to impress people. For example: having knowledge about specific wines. Who even knows anything about it, and frankly, with Natty Lights selling for $2.50/buzz, who cares? But in case you have to be in a situation where wine is paramount, here are some tips to get by.


  1. Don’t botch the order. It’s said that the toughest decision an individual will make in their life is deciding the appropriate bottle of wine for a table (a close second is the decision to get married). It’s important to nail the call, as the success of the evening will hinge on this wine being imbibed by your fellow party-goers. So get a good read on the table, people’s moods, their habits, their sexual energy – take it all into account before picking a bottle. Your options are White or Red, White being the choice for a laid-back, easy-going vibe, while Red indicating that a more feral, aggressive situation could be on the cards.
  2. Do a thorough inspection. When the wine has been poured into your glasses, prevent others from having a sip until you’ve given it the “ol’ hounddog” (technical term). For the next 20 seconds, swirl the wine around in your glass, sniffing it gently with your eyes closed and forehead burrowed. Then, make sure to comment on how “oak-y” it seems, or how “robust” the smell is to your nostrils. Use the word “undertone” at some point. The less-knowledgeable will nod their heads in agreement. An extreme power-play would be to send the wine back in exchange for another bottle, to show everyone else that in these matters, your nose knows best.
  3. Display your passion. As with any good acting job, the real key lies in how well you sell your shtick to the audience. Wine lovers are incredibly enthusiastic, and you have to play the part. At the end of the evening, insist that you have to take the empty bottles homes for a collage you are making, or peel the labels off to add to the “Wine Wall” you have in your basement. Invite the others over at some unconfirmed date in the future for a wine-tasting, far enough down the line so you’ll have enough time to get out of town and/or change your identity.
Cow Tips!
*Remember the saying: Wine before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before wine, death.
*Wine is mostly made up of grapes and crushed dreams.
2 Responses to “How To Pretend You Are A Wine Connoisseur”
  1. Sri says:

    you are a hoot!

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