How To Fit In At A Party Full Of Strangers

Parties are one of the most stressful events a human can experience. Alcohol, music, and reminiscing with friends and family are bad enough, but even worse, you may occasionally be stuck at an event with nary a familiar face. Whether it’s a work event, or the bat mitzvah of a 13 year old you hang out with sometimes, no need to stress. Stop sitting alone in the corner pretending you don’t speak english, and become the master of your environment.

  1. Take the initiative.  Over 9% of party-goers express a desire to “take the party to the next level” but either don’t have the skill set to do so, or suffer from a form of social anxiety disorder known as tact and awareness of potential consequences.  As a shindig mercenary you need not concern yourself with the politics of “should I have put what I put where I put it.” Assess the level of the party, and take it to the next one! Break out the tequila, break out the skin, and break out any animals that the hosts may have caged on the premises. This should endear you to your hosts and your peers alike.
  2. Be impressive. Many solo soiree attendees fail to make an impression; DO NOT make their mistake. Introduce yourself to anyone you see, making sure to include details that would impress even the most cynical stranger. Declaring yourself ‘First child’ to submarine, quarterback of the New York Jets, or star of Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s are good ways to begin. (If pulled off correctly immediately proceed to our article on “How To Fit In At A Party Full Of People Who Fucking Love You.“)
  3. Remain connected. Human psychology is complicated, and how you are perceived has a lot to do with how other people perceive other other people’s perception of you. This means that the more sociable you appear, the more attractive you will be to the strangers you desperately need to impress.  Speaking with other humans is impossible until you have already spoken to other humans (classic Joseph Heller). Break the seal by displaying your e-sociability. Choose a good location (a chair in the corner) and begin sending and receiving text messages. LOL as much as possible so people will know that you, and your friends, are having a good time. If you can’t reach any real friends, set alarms for every 15 seconds and ROFL all the harder.
  4. Leave them wanting more. People, especially people who love to party, are intrigued by what they can’t have. Upon arrival, announce that you will need to be leaving for the night and that you wish you could stay but “Helen can’t pick up the cake and somebody’s gotta do it.”  This will result in the instant adulation of all of those who are within hearing distance.  Exit the premises only to immediately return exclaiming “I forgot my keys and Helen sure as hell isn’t going to drive me!” After a few more moments of reveling, excuse yourself with a “Allright, well it’s been fun but if you think I’ll ever hear the end of this then you don’t know what a bitch Helen is!” Repeat this process until you actually need to leave.
Cow Tips!
*If possible, work in frequent references to drugs that you are currently on.
* When in doubt, Twister!

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