How To Lead A Cult

The search for meaning is a natural human drive that is rivaled only by the drive to fleece suckers and take what isn’t yours.  Fulfill both of these needs by founding what is colloquially known as a cult.  They say only 2 things in life are true, death and taxes, but also 90% of cult/restaurants/cult-run restaurants fail within the first year. Most first time restaurant managers and children of the golden god fail due to a lack of preparation. 

  1. Make sure you have enough grapes. Why is it that every time you join a new cult you can’t find any grapes??!? Simple, most first time Turtle Prince of the Leader Sun Stars just don’t value grapes enough! The hierarchy of needs for most cult members is as follows: water, weird sex stuff, grapes, other foods, shelter, cable television, vegan options, normal sex stuff, hulu+ subscription, access to Google+, apple turnover recipe, strong leadership, camaraderie, and proximity to Applebees. During the early phases of planning your cult, keep this list in front of you.
  2. Lead by example. As the Fish God of Pear Tree Alley, your entire group will look to you for guidance. Be kind, but firm. Show compassion. Watch HBO instead of CBS. The tone you set will dictate how your cult behaves for generations to come (unless you are a suicide or abstinence cult [although the latter usually turns in to the former.])
  3. Don’t go overboard on the grapes.   The most common problem faced by second time Pine Ape Eel Sun of the Nova Breathers is overcompensation for prior mistakes. Grapes are a necessary party of every cult but remember, cultists need other things as well. A well designed bocce court will take care of the top two needs in the hierarchy.
  4. Please stop worrying about the grapes. As long as there are grapes your followers will be fine. What is your cult even about? You need to stand for something because people may come for the grapes but they stay for the mission. Move. On. From. The. Grapes.
Cow Tips!
*Don’t stress out about it, but the grape thing is actually very important.
*If you choose to allow social events, avoid Will I Am as a performer.

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