How To Write A Great Resume

It’s rough being a working stiff. But with unemployment numbers being what they are, the economy seemingly stagnant, and workers in India and China stealing our jobs, it’s even tougher being a non-working stiff. After becoming unemployed, the task of getting back into the career-game is long and arduous, often replete with rejection, irritable bowel syndrome, and fear. It’s important to give yourself whatever necessary advantage needed to stand out, and the resume is the best place to make a solid first impression. Writing a great one is a lot like writing a great piece of non-fiction; it has to be raw, honest, captivating. Here’s how to dazzle the reader: 

  1. Have a strong opening. Most execs won’t even make it past the first heading if you don’t capture their attention, so be bold when you open. Start off with a quote, or a particular song lyric that encapsulates your personality. Nothing locks in a reader more than seeing your name, and then right underneath, seeing the phrase “Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind”. After that, they’re hooked, they’re in.
  2. Don’t undersell yourself. When writing a resume, you’ll often ask yourself whether a certain piece of information should be included or not, either because it’s not relevant, too old, or just a straight up fabrication. But don’t second guess yourself, throw it in there. Attendance Awards, Boy Scout Badges, NBA 2K12 Achievements, the more information the better. You want to demonstrate that you’ve had leadership qualities all your life, and what better example than Spring Break freshmen year when you successfully led a chant of “MAKE-OUT MAKE-OUT” and got six of your frat brothers to join in.
  3. Attach your work. It’s obvious that artists/creators/writers must show some of their work in order to get positions, but why should they be the only ones who get to share their creativity? Whatever field you’re in, give that guy in HR a little taste of your talents. Doesn’t matter if you’re in Finance, or Engineering, or whatever, put together a compilation of some of your best Facebook statuses or most favorited Tweets. If the resume is sent before the interview, a few flattering pictures from the Cabo album showing off those abs or killer bikini bod won’t hurt. Put the ball in their court, and let THEM piece together who you are as a person so you don’t have to.
  4. A little exaggeration goes a long way. Look, no one is asking you to lie about anything, because it’s a slippery slope and you will be caught. But everyone slightly jazzes up the truth to make it more appealing, no shame in that. So in your past job experiences, spice up the details a bit to make your internship sound more professional. Were you an assistant at your dad’s lumber yard? Great! Change “Assistant” to “President” and no one will even notice. Delivered pizza for a summer? Right on! But switch “Delivered Pizza” with “Analyst at a Fortune 500” because who’s going to even know? Just make sure all phone numbers you give for references are those of your grandparents.
Cow Tips!
*If you don’t get a call back after submitting a resume, you have successfully skipped the interview process and can show up for work on the 1st of the following month.
*Use Comic Sans font to keep things light.

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