How To Remain Culturally Relevant

The popular music landscape is constantly changing, and it is harder than ever to turn musical talent into a career. It’s still easy enough to become a one hit wonder (win American Idol, lose American Idol, or be British) but it takes something special to maintain the public’s interest. With a little elbow grease, a moderate amount of razzle dazzle, a more than moderate amount of know how, a good amount of luck, and a great deal of help from your friends, you can extend your 15 minutes to a solid 22 + commercials.

  1. Host a reality television show. Have you heard of Steven Tyler or Paula Abdul? Were you born after 1987 (the last year both artists were musically relevant)? If you answered ‘Yes’ to both of these questions, you have already experienced the power of this technique.
  2. Make out with Britney Spears. Madonna, the Ultimate re-inventor, has used many different techniques to stay in the public eye (sensitive religious imagery, Kabbalah, weird arms) but none more successful than locking lips with Britney Spears. Pretty much anything that works for Kevin Federline will work for you. If you ARE Britney Spears, just make out with anyone. It seems to work wonders.
  3. Have someone else publically display your genitals. Nothing is more endearing to the American public then the spectacle and emotional turmoil of a celebrity being exposed to the public against his or her will. Well known cases include Scarlett Johansson, Janet Jackson, and kind of Kim Kardashian. Note: this WILL backfire if the public is aware that you intentionally displayed your genitals in an attempt to grow your fame. See: Biggs, Jason or Favre, Brett. Also, kind of Kim Kardashian. We want to see your fruits and bananas, but only if we think maybe you don’t really want us to see them.
  4. Encourage your child to rap and befriend Justin Bieber. They say: ‘You can’t take it with you’. While the original formulation of this phrase concerned outside food or beverage and movie theaters, it has recently been used to apply to Money, Fame, and Death. When you have done all you can to ensure a comfortably famous lifestyle for yourself, it is time to begin thinking about the next generation. Use your connections to ensure that your child will be able to rap exactly well enough to be featured on one of Justin Bieber’s songs. If this fails, re-boot “The Karate Kid,” have you child star in it, and feature their cameo rap verse on the soundtrack. But with Justin Bieber.
  5. Emotionally harm Taylor Swift. John Mayer, Kanye West and Adele have all maintained their superstar status by way of causing Taylor Swifts powerful tears. Each inspired the songs “Dear John,” “Innocent,” and “Tim McGraw”, respectively. Each tear Taylor Swift cries for you is worth another week on the charts. So chase down the friend of a friend who knows a friend and have him or her pass Taylor a rude or, at the very least, apathetic note.
Cow Tips!
*If music and the Karate Kid fail, teach a different kid to Whip Her Hair Back and Forth, as long as it’s one of the kids with your famous wife.
*To ensure eternal cultural relevance, break Taylor Swift’s heart by making out with Britney Spears.

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