How To Cure The Common Cold

The common cold is a problem that has plagued man kind since at least episode 44 of I Love Lucy “Ricky Loses His Voice.”  While this is the first recorded case of the “rhinovirus” (not to be confused with Rhinoceral herpes), it is hypothesized that the virus existed well before 1951; most likely being misdiagnosed as consumption, bad humors, or being a small dead child.  Modern medicine knows what it is fighting but is woefully ineffective; we can only assume that if ancient doctors had properly diagnosed their patients, the common cold would have been eradicated. Try these ancient techniques to fight your cold.

  1. Reshape your head. Phrenology teaches us that the reason your body is experiencing a cold, is because you have some sort of stupid shaped head. One of the best ways to cure your cold symptoms is to get a different shaped head.
  2. Put leeches on something. One technique that has improved over time is leeching.  It was initially believed that leeches needed to be placed on your body in order to suck out the impurities.  In reality, the magical powers of leeches can work from a distance of up to 50 meters. Buy a jar of leeches and let them loose in the room that you plan on being sick in, tell them what hurts, and they will get right to work.
  3. Eat chicken noodle soup.  Just prior to the groundbreaking I Love Lucy episode, Alchemists discovered that they were pursuing a worthless “science.” One alchemist noticed that in all their years trying of trying to turn metal into gold they had never seen a chicken suffer from the common cold. Scientists don’t know why chickens are immune to our human diseases, they do know that these benefits are transferred by the consumption of their meat along with noodles, carrots, and maybe some gross green onion/celery things.
Cow Tips!
*Colds are literally cold so fill your bathtub with hot tea or hot chocolate and remain submerged to raise your temperature.
*Don’t blow your nose, the mucus helps the leeches work.

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