How To Make It In America

The American dream comes in many shapes and sizes. For some it means two and a half kids and a white picket fence, for others it’s a secret room in their basement where they can do experiments in peace, and for most Americans it means a cottage by the lake, where they don’t have to see commercials for “Men At Work.”  The question on everyone’s mind is: How do I make it in America?

  1. Say “in this economy.” The key to success in America in any field, be it intellectual or athletic, is the ability to contribute meaningfully. The key to a meaningful contribution in all American discourse is the phrase “in this economy.”  The phrase’s versatility is unrivaled. It can be used to start a conversation “In this economy and they’ve got us out here waiting for a bus!” To end a conversation “Yeah Mom. I’m going to college…in this economy.” As an apology “I didn’t realize I was punching you. In this economy.” As an expletive “In this economy!” or as a critique of the most recent episode of Game of Thrones “That! In this economy…” As you integrate this weapon into your arsenal, you will see immediate returns in your personal and professional life.
  2. Roll over your 401K.  The most important part of ANY American dream is to roll over your 401K.  It takes most 401K’s a few weeks of intensive training to learn to roll over. If you find this task too difficult teach your 401K to sit and stay; tell everyone how smart it is and that it practically speaks English.
  3. Marry early. More and more young people are deferring marriage to their early to mid 30’s while they pursue advanced degrees, career fulfillment, or do DMT in their familial garage. In this economy it will be tough to find a job worth pursuing; it makes more sense to get married and have kids while you are young and fertile. Your lack of a job will allow you to spend the proper amount of time with your children. In a few years when we are no longer in this economy, settle down, find a job, and do all the DMT you can find.
  4. Befriend Kid Cudi. If we are to take HBO’s “How To Make It In America” seriously (we are) we must learn the lessons that the protagonists never did.  If you haven’t seen the show, it centers on two friends who try and start a jean business (or star in Aquaman?) and occasionally hang out with Kid Cudi. *Spoiler Alert* In the end, they never made it in America. Why? They didn’t spend nearly enough time with Kid Cudi. Cudi was relegated to 1 or 2 scenes per episode. If you truly want to make it, make sure the Kid appears in no less than 5 scenes per episode of your life.
Cow Tips!
*For additional advice, and a list of important black Americans/Jesus’s family see Kanye West’s Made In America.
*If you are ever asked to articulate your american dream just say “I think Upton Sinclair did it better than I ever could in The Jungle.”
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