How To Have A Successful Phone Interview

You’ve already written your resume and your cover letter. To make a helpful analogy to ancient Greece, your resume was Scylla, the cover letter was Charybdis, and the phone interview is the name of any other Greek monster you remember.  If you really ace a phone interview, you can expect a company limo to arrive at your house within minutes to whisk you away to your new corner office. Giving a great phone interview shouldn’t be hard or stressful, and now it isn’t!

  1. Don’t use your real voice. Think of the phone interview as on opportunity to really wow your new employer. What is more impressive than a British voice? Start with a lower class cockney dialect and slowly morph into a more refined, royal, speech pattern. This will subconsciously indicate that you have tremendous room for growth. A different voice can also be used as a sort of mulligan, if the phone interview doesn’t go well just show up in person using your real voice. If someone questions why you have the same name and resume as another candidate say “Small world! We are always taking each other’s dentist appointments and dry cleaning!”
  2. Subtly hint that you are using the bathroom. Most job interviews, and other tasks in life, are about power. The person with the most power in the relationship controls the outcome of the interaction. Nothing demonstrates power better than having a conversation while using the restroom. Try not to be too obvious but, flushing noises, well placed grunting, and a distinct lack of hand washing noise will go a long way towards advancing you to the next step of the interview process.
  3. Flip the script. Now that you are in the drivers seat take a detour and take the whole gang to Sonic for a delicious potato, hotdog, or sugar based product! When the next question comes your way, respond with: “I’d like to address that but first I’d like to ask you a question. If you could have any super power…what would you make your kids wear for Halloween?”  This approach shows initiative, creativity, and a willingness to ask intensely personal hypothetical questions, all highly valuable traits in today’s job market.
  4. Stall smart. Use the format of the interview to your advantage. In face to face interviews the only way to inconspicuously buy some time is by putting a Twix in your mouth. When you are on the phone you literally have an unlimited number of options. Just got a tough question? Simply use this patented and 100% guaranteed fill in the blank technique to give your brain a little time to brain. “I’m sorry. I’ll be with you in a moment. My ___1____ needs  ___2____.” See the appendix below for a list of approved words for blank slots 1 and 2.  Just choose any word from slot 1 and any word from slot 2 and take all the time you need.
Cow Tips!
*Slot 1: dog, baby, brother, hurricane, sink, plumbing, stomach, grandma, neighbor, hubris, cocktail.
*Slot 2: attention, a hotdog, a massage, plumbing, advil, whiskey, a talkin’ to, a baby.

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