How To Be Classy

Whether you’ve got new money, old money, no money, monopoly money, or belong to a barter culture, class is the only currency that matters. Classy people get paid more, are rated as more attractive by the opposite sex, and experience almost no side effects from prescription drugs. Fortunately for you, class is not something you are born with. It is something that you learn. So sit back, hide your copies of US Weekly, put on a smoking jacket, and learn.

  1. Elongate your vowels. Most people say they can tell if someone is classy or not within the first five words of a conversation. Instead of introducing yourself by saying “How dreadful,” try “Ooooooh hoooooooooow dreeeeaaaadful.”
  2. Be in black and white. No one denies that black and white photos are 1.9 to 3.7 times classier than color photos. Few people realize and take advantage of the fact that this same principal applies to people. You can either manipulate the color of your skin, clothing ,and surroundings via paints, dies, and newspaper, OR you can simply manipulate the perception of others through the use of LSD, deception, and offering free cups of tea.
  3. Prefer bottled. As you improve your classy rating ( will be unhelpful in determining your classy rating) you will likely encounter the following situation. “Sir, Would you prefer bottled or is tap acceptable?” Spit on whoever is asking. This will indicate to the offending party that of course you would prefer bottled; it will also demonstrate to your peers that your ideal choice is Perrier.
  4. Do it with your pinky. Entry level etiquette classes will teach you that it is polite (not identical to classy but sufficiently aligned in this context) to raise your pinky while drinking a glass of tea. Advanced courses in etiquette will encourage you to utilize the pinky in other, subtle ways to increase your status. Whether you are drinking from a glass, hailing a cab, picking your nose, doing coke off a komodo dragon, or fingering your cousin, proper use of the pinky will scream “classy” to all in attendance.
Cow Tips!
*Never use the word Swag.
*If you fart, blame the dog, then kill it…

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