How To Find The Right Apartment

Looking for an apartment can be stressful, frustrating and very rarely erotic. In an attempt to expedite the process many first time crib cruisers will settle for something less than ideal. Don’t fall prey to this mistake. Take your time and find the right fit for you!

  1. Start with Craigslist.  Most people think of Craigslist as the #1 website for murdering yourself (it’s actually pleasemurderme.gov) but it can also be a useful tool for finding the perfect apartment. Many of Craig’s listings use code words to prevent responses from the uninitiated. Snow = coke, 176 lbs = 276 lbs, etc etc. Ignore the “housing” listings and head straight for “strictly platonic.” This posting is for a 330 sq ft. loft in mid-town Manhattan for $19 a month.
  2. Make yourself at home.  When visiting a prospective apartment most potential renters will take a cursory tour and not properly simulate the experience of living there. You know better. Taste the orange juice, use the bathroom, take a nap, hide in the closet, do some charcoal rubbings. You need to know what your day to day activities will feel like in your new home.
  3. Prepare for the worst.  Sure the apartment looks good now but every apartment looks it’s absolute BEST when a potential renter visits. You wash your face for a first date don’t you?? It’s unreasonable to expect the apartment to remain pristine and you don’t want to be surprised when things fall apart. Bring your own spaghetti sauce and splash it in high traffic areas. If your future room mate joined you for the visit, get into a violent domestic altercation centered on whether or not the hair in the shower is pubic. As the argument escalates make sure to punch a hole in the wall. In this instance punch refers to the act of puncturing, not necessarily incorporating use of a fist; a head, a belt, or a beer bottle will increase the realism. When you have finally settled down, hugged your room mate, and reminisced sufficiently about the time you thought you were both going to die in Cabo, survey the apartment. If you still feel welcome and at home you are one step closer to a keeper.
  4. Trust no one.  The landlord is trying to sell you this apartment. He/she has every incentive to lie to you, so if you hear that “Puffy and Big Sean party next door all the time, no big deal” it probably means that Tyga lives there. The former tenant is not on your side either! Upon moving out, most tenants enter into an agreement with a rival landlord to spread misinformation. Claims of unresponsive management, loud neighbors, and frequent arson are likely a smokescreen to keep you from finding the apartment of your dreams!
Cow Tips!
*In order to show that you going to make a serious offer, present your broker/host with an old timey YoYo before you depart.
*Don’t sign anything without having your lawyer review it. If your lawyer is on vacation, a masseuse or barista will suffice.
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