How To Get Through A Day At Work

Once you’ve created that winning resume, and brushed up on your interview skills, you will most likely get a position at a company of your choosing. However, once employed, you’ll be hit with the realization that being employed is not all what the movies make it out to be. You don’t have a pretty secretary, people don’t talk in snappy one-liners, and you certainly don’t look good in aviators. But settling down in your 9-5 can be a lot easier if just you develop a routine for yourself. Here’s an option:


8:58 – Arrive. Coming into work a few minutes early will show your boss that you’re a hard-worker. Plus, arriving 2 minutes early each day amounts to 40 minutes of extra time you’re at work per month. Overtime, baby. Overtime.
9:25 – Finger on the pulse. After settling down in your chair and perhaps grabbing a bite if you haven’t already, it’s important you read up with what’s going on in the world. This keeps you well-informed, and may even assist you in your day-to-day work. Sources to check out include CNN, New York Times, and Wiz Khalifa’s search engine Bing.
10:30 – Mingle. A workplace with low morale is a toxic environment, so take it upon yourself to walk around and rally the troops. Ask about their kids, how their cycle is progressing this month, or hypothetical conversation starters like “Do you think O-Town peaked too soon?” Stop by your boss’ office and ask if he caught the game last night. When he asks “Which game?”, laugh and respond “I know what you’re saying, I wish I had him on my fantasy team too!” and walk away.
11:15 – Work. It’s time to get serious, this is what you are getting paid for after all. Open up a few excel spreadsheets, and start populating them with numbers. Every now and then, frown at your screen, sigh, and mutter “I am getting way too old for this shit” just loudly enough for your co-workers to hear.
12:15 – Bathroom break. Even if you don’t need to go onesies or twosies, it’s good to fit in a trip to the restroom around this time to catch up with text messages etc. Your poor best friend was locked out of his car this morning and missed a big meeting, take a second to finally reply to his eight texts and explain you took his keys this morning as a joke. Also, this is the time for a wardrobe change to signify the latter half of the day has begun.
12:30 – Lunch
1:30 – Catch up! After your belly is full, put your revitalized spirits to good use by emailing all those people you’ve been meaning to contact. One’s life worth is not measured by money, but actually by how many elementary school teachers they can find through Facebook. Use this time to build a stronger network around you, so that when you eventually get fired here, third grade best friend Derek will definitely find a spot for you at his Internet Startup.
2:30 – Work. C’mon, you think what you did in the morning was enough? No way. Draft up a memo about those numbers you entered on Excel earlier, making sure to point out any trends / results you may have fabricated. Send an email to a co-worker asking for their opinion, but “forget” to attach the document. Then, get too busy to check your email when he responds.
4:00 – Snacks. Lunch was so long ago, how are you supposed to work without refueling. Head to the café down the street for an afternoon bite. IMPORTANT: Please double check that you don’t have a meeting during this time, cause if so, then you should really bring back enough for everyone.
4:45 – Home time! The most glorious time of the day, when we all head back to our humble abodes. Note that because you came in early, you have permission to head out sooner than your lazier co-workers. Peep in your boss’ office again, asking him if he’s going to watch the game tonight. When he asks “Where do you think you’re going?”, point at him smiling and retort “You son of a gun, you’re on! Loser buys the other drinks!” and whisk away.

Cow Tips!
*If there was no significant sporting game on the previous night, that question can be substituted with “Did you watch 2 Broke Girls last night?”
*Advice is only pertinent to those in the financial, medical, engineering fields. Waiters and librarians must be focused at all times.

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