How To Fit In At A Party Full Of People Who Fucking Love You

Everyone’s eyes are on you. You are officially the King of the Party. But heavy is the head that wears the crown, assuming the crown is made of iron or gold, and not paper.  You’ve scraped your way to the top of the pile and all of a sudden, you realize the top is a lonely place to be.  Your name is probably Drake, and you have trust issues, but none of that matters. Even you can enjoy yourself in a room full of  people who are in complete awe of each facet of your life.

  1. Do literally anything.  You can do no wrong. You’ve got these people eating out of the palm of your hands. Pick up any hors d’oeuvres that pass you by and rest a large handful on your palm. Feed them to guests and waiters alike as if they were horses or small pony like horses. Shit your pants, cry, call your dad and tell him he is a dick. When you don’t like how he responds, walk across the room and slap him. “LOL,” everyone at the party will think.
  2. Make a toast.  The occasion is irrelevant. Any party that you are attending needs a good toast. You don’t want to come off as overeager, so when you set up the PA system you brought from home, make sure to look reluctant.
  3. Finger guns.  You won’t have a chance to spend a meaningful amount of time with everyone at the party, but most everyone’s night would be ruined if the evening ends without your acknowledgement. Try to set aside 50 minutes to slowly walk around the party giving finger guns to anyone with eyes. If you find yourself confronted with a guest without eyes, make a finger gun and slowly wipe it under their nose. Their superior sense of smell will pick up your distinctive scent.
Cow Tips!
*Use the term “smell ya later” to end each of your conversations then instead of saying goodbye at the end of the night make a dramatic sniffing motion to the entire party.
*The hosts will want to remember this night so snap a few Polaroids of yourself and place them in frames throughout the house or venue.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • This site is brought to you by:

    Varsity Doubles.
%d bloggers like this: