How To Piss Your Pants And Then Get On With Your Workday

Wake up. Shower. Brush teeth. Cup of coffee. Pack lunch. Avoid neighbor. Drive to work. Cup of coffee. Apologize to spouse. Call grandfather. Cup of coffee. Apple turnover. Convert VHS to DVD. Clean tongue. Chuck E. Cheese. Cup of coffee. Listen to smooth jazz. Turn on television. Turn on Radio. Alert police to 13 year old cold case. Cup of coffee. Re-connect with 13 year old cousin. Cup of Coffee.  Does this sound familiar to you? Probably; it is a morning routine that millions of Americans can relate to and that’s all before you even enter your office building! With all that coffee, mistakes will occasionally happen. Don’t run home to change or wrap your sweater around your waist — hold your head high, follow these tips, and get back to work.

  1. Plan ahead.  An extra pair of clothes is a complete waste of money and in fact is offensive to the hundreds of Americans who don’t finish their food in Africa every day. Think bigger and more socially responsible. On your first day at any new office, rig up an elaborate sprinkler system that will wet the pants of each of your co-workers in case of emergency. When confronted with the reality of wet pants, most office types will assume their bladder has failed them once again, and return to the task at hand. Your little splotch will be just another tree among the forest.
  2. Be aggressive. Life is all about attitude, and urine is a part of life. This means (via the transitive property) that urine is all about attitude.  When you leave the bathroom, make sure to engage the first person you walk by and say the first thing that comes to mind. “Every cott damned Tuesday these faucets get to sprinklin. I’ll be damned if I let anither one eh them make a fool outta me.” Your use of phrases from the 1930’s American South will distract from the quarts of urine that are now staining the carpet outside of your server room.  Even if you say, “I just pissed my pants,” you’ve still got a shot to save yourself by adding, “we’re having a boy!” If you are a lady, they will assume that in your excitement you meant to say “my water just broke.” If you are a man, they will assume you urinated in solidarity with your wife or surrogate.
  3. Febreeze Febreeze Febreeze!  Cover the rest of your outfit with febreeze to achieve an even saturation level. Set up an out of office e-mail response that reads as follows: “My son just sent me a bottle of this fub breeze! What’ll these kids think of next!” Your co-workers will be aware that you have soiled yourself but will assume you are not intelligent enough to engage in conversation, aloowing you to finish the rest of your work year in peace.
  4. Stimulus overload. Streak your eyeliner, tear your shirt, smash the case of your “Leap Year” DVD and drag a broken red wagon behind you. Walk into the center of your office space, place your hands on your hips, roll your eyes and announce “Don’t Ask!”  Turn with a flourish, sit down in a huff,  pull two smashed cups of pudding out of your coat pockets and dump them in your waste bucket with a “harrumph!”
Cow Tips!
*If you work with “lunch at your desk”, workaholics use this clever gambit. Walk into the office while closing an umbrella and say “It. Is. Uhhhhhhh wet out there!”
*The HR department can be a helpful tool during an office crisis. Set up a meeting and accuse your nearest cubicle neighbor of urinating on you after a dispute about the top three singles recorded by the Dixie Chicks.

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