How To Find Your Spirit Animal

Humans have a long history of assigning inappropriate and inaccurate traits to animals in order to replace the human to human connection that we’ve lost to Zynga games. However tenuous the connection, there is a measure of self knowledge that can be gained by identifying your Spirit Animal (the animal whose behavior most closely resembles your own). Once you have this knowledge, you can use it to bore people at parties and make potential love interests think you are crazier than you are. Be careful though, you may learn something that you didn’t want to know… that your spirit animal is a rabbit or a guppy.

  1. List your characteristics. When searching for your spirit animal it is important to do an honest self assessment of your characteristics. Describe your body: Do you have big ears? Do you have a long nose? Do you have an external egg sac? Also asses your personality traits: Are you adventurous? Nervous? Do you run whenever lions chase you? Make a list of your answers to these and other questions; now you know a little something about yourself — but you still need to know more about animals.
  2. List the characteristics of your favorite animals. Start to create a portrait of some of your likely spirit animals by comparing your answers to the questions above to some of the animal descriptions provided. Cats are self sufficient. Dogs don’t like Coldplay. Whale sharks will travel thousands of miles to have sex with someone. Birds think they can fly when they are on acid (and all the time). Make a series of Venn diagrams to narrow your list down to 5 semi – finalists.
  3. Think like an animal. A spirit animal is not necessarily the animal that you’d most want to have sex with (although this is often true), but it is sometimes helpful to imagine yourself as one of your top choices and think: Could I have sex with this? Further whittle your choices to 2 finalists.
  4. Live like an animal. The final step of selecting your spirit animal, or perhaps more aptly letting your spirit animal choose you, is to live as a beast. That means eschewing all your human habits and proclivities for those of your spiritual life mate. This means no iPhones, no Burger King, and no attending Coachella! Recent studies have shown that certain species of monkey use tools and have an online-only subscription to Netflix so you will not be left totally without comfort. After a week as a humanimal you will either know your spirit animal, or not have a job anymore. In both cases, lesson learned.
Cow Tips!
*Don’t worry if you can’t pick one spirit animal! Spiritual polygamous bestiality is covered under the 28th amendment.
*If your spirit animal turns out to be a human – BOOOM M Night Shyamalan! You were an owl the whole time.
2 Responses to “How To Find Your Spirit Animal”
  1. It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I’ve read this post and if I could I wish to suggest you few interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article. I want to read more things about it!

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