How To Fit In At The Gym

Unless you’re a Lacrosse player or are part of an intramural Rugby team (why?), it’s obvious that your least favorite place on the planet is the gym. By definition, a gym is designed to be a place where people get together to better their health and fitness in a supportive, communal environment. But in reality, it’s mostly a place with a perverted social hierarchy dictated by how many abs your stomach has. If you’re out of shape and/or weak, you hate going to the gym, but alas, it is important in the process of improving yourself. Below are some tips that may help you feel more comfortable in that setting.

  1. Sound Effects. It’s a known fact that you ain’t nothing at the gym if you don’t have your own sound effect to punctuate and emphasize every curl or press. All the great lifters of the world have mastered the verbal art of working out, and you can really tell a gym pro from a gym rookie by the sound they elicit. Don’t be a gym rookie, come up with your own. A generic exhale/slight grunt will not cut it; if you want to leave an impression on the people around you, a shrieking “BOOSH” or “VAVOOOM” is imperative. To really show your mettle, shout an entire phrase as you complete each bicep curl. Anyone who hears you groan “EATING GOOD IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD” after each rotation will be impressed, and will overlook the fact that there’s actually nothing in your hand.
  2. Proper Attire. Approximately 60% of your workout’s effectiveness is determined by how you dress, so keep that in mind when planning your gym outfit. This means no more middle-school runathon tie-dye tees; to be honest, anything with sleeves is considered amateurish. Find a wifebeater or tanktop with some real zest and passion, which has words like “Power” or “Muscle” or “Veggie Quesadilla now for $7.59”. Can’t find one? Make your own with a unique, ballsy catchphrase. Example: This Is My House, And You’re A Trespasser. So Stop Trespassing. Bitch. OK OK SORRY I CALLED YOU BITCH I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D HEAR ME.”
  3. Machine Usage. While it’s encouraged you perfect the first two points while foregoing the actual workout altogether, some of you may want to actually use the facilities provided to better yourself. A key to a good session is pinpointing certain areas of your body that need the most work, and then working on them all in one day. A little bit of legs, some chest, brief time spent on arms – a quality session can knock out all your gym needs for the week, freeing up time for other activities. Like happy hours from 5-8 with $3 Mojitos. But don’t overdo it. Sore muscles the next day means you went too hard, and it is usually recommended you avoid the gym altogether for 2-3 months afterwards to allow your core to fully heal.
Cow Tips!
*The gym is also a great spot for first dates, birthday parties or Bat Mitzvahs.
*This post was sponsored by Applebees.

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