How To Get A Retweet

“Public acknowledgement for concise wit is the origin of species.” – Charles Darwin 

Nature has long been a meritocracy, and the same rules apply to what has been called “the Nature of the internet” — Twitter. If you fail to receive a sufficient number of re-tweets, your twitter DNA will be weeded out of the gene pool.  A close reading of the Twitter terms of service reveals that each account is assigned a RT quota based on number of followers and frequency of tweeting. Any account that breaks with the terms of service can be accessed by Twitter personnel who will send a direct message @BarackObama with a picture of an unidentified penis. Avoid the headaches that are sure to follow and improve your RT rate.

  1. Ask! 90% of tweets that include the phrase “can I get a RT” or the phrase “RT if you feel me!” are RTed.
  2. Tweet about current events. Many people turn to Twitter as an alternative to traditional news services, so make sure to be on the forefront of current events. Did Christiane Amanpour just fall down near you? Did scientists determine that something new is good for you or bad for you? Share and share quickly. If anyone beats you to the punch, your RTability will fall drastically. Don’t be afraid to jump the gun and report breaking news a little early; ESPECIALLY if it concerns a celebrity’s death.
  3. Be ambiguously romantic/wistful.  Love advice spreads like hotcakes, not very well. Ambiguous generic love advice spreads like wildfire, via twitter.  Don’t be specific and make sure to lack content. “Love always hurts the most when you aren’t ready for love to hurt.”  “If he can’t understand, how can you expect him to understand?”  “Damn. You never think YOU will be the one with the wet flowers…”
  4. Tweet from Katy Perry’s account.  Katy Perry is America’s most RTable California girl.  She has never had a Tweet receive less than 50 RT’s regardless of content. A cat once tweeted “Ktskjfjf nfdngljfkdlsjgl gdslkjg” from her account and it received 790 RT’s within 12 minutes of being posted. If you are in dire need of a retweeter, simply log on to Katy Perry’s account and fire away (her password is “russell brand sux”).
Cow Tips!
*In addition to the above techniques include every trending topic in all of your tweets.
*If you tweet anything @Donald_Faison he will probably really appreciate it.

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