How To Go Grocery Shopping On A Budget

Procuring groceries requires a clinical attention to detail, a clinical willingness to live with your choices, and the decisiveness of an employee at one of the worlds leading clinics.  The process is fairly simple when money is not an issue (Creamed corn and the most expensive milk money can buy!) but when you need to stretch every dollar it can be a bit more complicated. With a bit of preparation, and a good eye for value, you should be able to eat like a king of a very small incredibly poor country that shops at Trader Joe’s.

  1. Go hungry. You will often hear people say “never go grocery shopping hungry.” You will also occasionally hear people say “My dream last night was so weird” or “I just started watching Vampire Diaries.” You should not be listening to any of these people. When you go shopping hungry you will be willing to give up your standards of “freshness” and “not in a trash can” and you will be more open to finding the best deals available.
  2. Forego proteins. Protein tends to be quite expensive when looking at $/lb. In order to truly maximize your doll hairs (hip way of saying money) you will need to re-arrange your food pyramid with proteins at the top and a solid base of Soda & Plastic Bags.
  3. Trade in bottles. Many grocery stores will pay 5 or 10 cents per empty bottle you return. Many bottlebaggers will wait for others to purchase, finish, and then throw out their plastic gold before cashing in. Cut out the middle man! Begin each shopping trip by purchasing and consuming everything from the coolers by the check-out. Then immediately sell back the bottles, it’s like playing with house money!! With the money you’ve earned you should be able to buy 3-4 oz of macaroni salad.
  4. Be a smart sampler.  An expert sampler can eat for free at any Whole Foods in the country. Begin each shopping stint with a full head of hair, a beard(fake if necessary), a hat, sunglasses, jeans, jorts, shorts, half pants, boots, a coat, a vest, a long sleeve shirt, an undershirt and a white t. Scope out a path around the sample trays and shed a layer/shave a portion of your body hair between each visit. You will need a convincing back story for each new character so do some research on at least 20 different Canadians.
Cow Tips!
*Some grocery stores are willing to barter unused meats for other items so make sure to ask a manager.
*Fruit is sold by the pound so hollow out all fruit before purchase.
2 Responses to “How To Go Grocery Shopping On A Budget”
  1. great post, very informative. I’m wondering why the opposite experts of this sector don’t understand this. You must proceed your writing. I am confident, you have a huge readers’ base already!

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