How To Throw An Olympic Viewing Party

The Summer Olympics are just around the corner (time) and also just across the pond (London). Watching the Olympics solo would be like trying to enter the 4 x 100 Freestyle Relay alone: illegal. You cannot treat a summer Olympic viewing party like any old shindig; they only come around once every 4 years and your guests will expect a party for the ages. Make sure no one other than Bruce Jenner* goes home disappointed by following these surefire tips.

  1. Use GMT. Countless Olympic parties have been ruined by staggered arrivals due to time zone confusion. On invitations, list all times in Greenwich Mean Time to avoid any possible confusion. DO NOT mark the times with GMT or some of your astronomical attendees might believe you are referring to a Giant Magellan Telescope.
  2. Theme your venue. If you thought “Olympic Viewing Party” was a cohesive theme then you probably also thought that the ‘Redeem Team’ was just as good as the ‘Dream Team’ (If you don’t understand the analogy, it means you are either wrong, or you are Carmelo Anthony). Lay out a map of the earth on the floor of your venue and serve appropriate foods within each region. Your party goers will feel cheated if you do not also follow through and use each country’s proper immigration procedures when traveling between zones.
  3. Give out medals. In a recent poll, Olympic athletes listed the top 3 reasons they chose to compete as: 1. Gold Medal. 2. Silver Medal. 3. The chance to maybe date Shawn Johnson. In all likelihood, this is the same reason people will be attending your party. As the night goes on make sure to occasionally turn off the television in order to hand out medals for “events” such as “Chip Dipping Floor Program” and “Synchronized Ignoring A Mutual Hookup.”
  4. Fill the party with Home Depot employees. It’s always fun to rub elbows with celebrities, but in all likelihood you don’t know any. The good news is that during Olympic season every Home Depot employee is a star! Someone has to sell wood while Ryan Lochte swims! Your guests will be thrilled to pick the brains of HD’s finest about the time that they filmed a commercial at their store, and in turn, HD’s finest will be thrilled to be invited to a party that isn’t being held in one of Home Depot’s greenhouses.
Cow Tips!
*No matter how good your party is Bruce Jenner will go home disappointed because of the disgusting circus his life/wife have become.
*An animatronic ice sculpture of Bob Costas will bring everything together nicely.
2 Responses to “How To Throw An Olympic Viewing Party”
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