How To Get Money From Your Parents

POP QUIZ: what’s the worst conversation you could have with your parents? If you answered “Them telling me that they are getting a divorce”, then you are so wrong. It’s actually the discussion where your mother and father explain that they are cutting you off financially, and how now it’ll be up to you to earn a decent living for yourself. While parents believe they are doing this to instill confidence and fiscal responsibility, it’s actually a selfish ploy that enables them to hoard their own savings and buy more Sudoku books. However, if you are clever, there are still a few ways you can continue extracting money from them, and teach ‘em a lesson of your own. How? Well just read on silly!

  1. Public meltdown. If there’s one thing parents hate, it’s when their kids make them look bad. So in order to really shake them up, you’re going to have to create a scene in a very public setting. Go out to dinner with them, but right in the middle of it, start bawling loudly and convulsing on the floor. Shout statements like “WASN’T DEALING WITH DAD’S VIOLENT DRINKING PROBLEM ENOUGH?!?” or “SO YOU CAN’T HELP ME OUT CAUSE MOM NEEDS A TUMMY TUCK?!?” Hint that you will stop this behavior if they deposit $5,000 into your account within the next 12 hours. It’s an effective strategy, and who knows, maybe your mom won’t get that tummy tuck after all. Win-Win!
  2. Snail Mail Scams. Nothing makes a parent happier than when they donate all the money they are not giving you to some sort of social cause. So by appealing to their misguided generosity, you can do pretty well for yourself. Send letters to your house addressed from fictional groups that you know will touch your parents’ heart:  P.A.T.A.T (Parents Against Texting At the Table), S.T.I. (Save The Infomercials!), Coalition Of People Who Still Use The Word ‘Coalition’. Ask for monthly donations, sent to an address that is ACTUALLY your friend’s house. Of course you will need to set up an Incorporated company of your own to cash these cheques, but you can use step one (listed above) to get the initial angel investment for that. Circle of life!
  3. Ponzi Schemes. Who doesn’t like making more money? No one, that’s who. And by using this little-known piece of information, you can solve all your unfortunate money woes. Tell your parents you are involved in some ‘high-yield investment programs’ which promise ‘fantastic returns’ on whatever they put ‘in’. When they ask what it is, say you are sworn to secrecy by the Limited Parental Knowledge act of 1954 (create a Wikipedia page for this law). Then go to a few other houses in your neighborhood with the same spiel, just asking for higher investments. Once you have got your money, leave an envelope in your mailbox with your parents initial offering (you don’t want to hurt them), and hastily leave town with the rest under the pseudonym Bernie Madoff Jr. No one will think that a money launderer would be stupid enough to assume this name, so you will be left alone. Cash money!
  4. Pilfer. If you take one dollar everyday from your parent’s wallet/purse, in one year, you will be able to send in one installment of your student loan. At this rate, you will be able to pay off your entire debts by your second life (NOTE: only applies to Hindus, who believe in reincarnation) (rest of you will drown in Sallie Mae payments). Jai Ho!
Cow Tips!
*Please don’t actually do any of these; your parents are wonderful people, and have helped you with so much, and deserve all your love and respect.
*Remember that one time they forgot to feed your fish and it died? Sue their asses for every penny on the grounds of gross negligence.
4 Responses to “How To Get Money From Your Parents”
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