How To Use A Comma

The comma is one of the English language’s most confusing tools. I mean, is it a wrench, or a monkey? (You know? Because the monkey wrench is a tool!) If you harness it properly, the comma can skyrocket you to fame and fortune. Just ask Selena Gomez about Justin Bieber! (You know? Because Justin Bieber is a tool and she used him to get famous!) In reality, using a comma is as easy as baking a pie with a pie recipe if you are good at following recipes and also the rules for using commas! All comma usage should fall into one of these four categories.

  1. When using “if then.” If you are using ‘if’, then use a comma. The previous sentence is NOT accurate but it is an example.
  2. To separate the elements in a series.  Taken from original script of LOST Season 1: “H, He, Li, Be, B, C, N, O, F, Ne, Na, Mg, Al, Si, P, S, Cl, Ar, K, Ca, Sc, Ti, V, Cr, Mn, Fe, Co, Ni, Cu, Zn.”
  3. To set off quoted elements.  Approach Ryan Seacrest with the following, “Is it true that in high school you said you would rather fuck a comma than a human?” He will be very angry.
  4. When hungry.  We currently live in a world saturated with connectivity. Almost everything you write will be immediately tweeted straight to your mom and to your local Dominos. An uptick in comma usage will indicate to all those reading that you need something to eat and you will soon be connectivitied with a sandwich.
Cow Tips!
*You, can, also, use, commas, like, this.
*If you find yourself in a room full of English teachers waiting to go in to a Culture Club concert, start a rendition of “Comma Chameleon.” You WILL score digits.

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