How To Interact With Strangers In New York City

Almost 19 million people live in the Metro NYC area, which means that there are almost 18,999,999 potential new friends out there for you! However, this also means that you’ll have to know how to deal with the myriad people and situations you will encounter in a city filled with millions of crazy fucking human beings.

  1. On the Subway. The New York City subway system is a logistical marvel and a triumph of human engineering – it is also the number one place to make new friends in New York. If you are interested in reaching out and making new friends, find your “target” (it’s an industry term) and proceed to brush up against them, ever so slightly. If they don’t respond, continue to “accidentally” touch them, with varying degrees of pressure and duration. Eventually you will either be two fingers deep inside your new best friend or have a cool story to tell about the time you got arrested by the Transit Police (not real police, btw, so don’t stress). If you feel that you are being crowded, pushed around, or you just want to force someone old, pregnant or obese to give up their seat to you – simply farting will not suffice. You’ll probably have to shit your pants just like that homeless guy stretched out in the corner. See how much space the other passengers give him? When you’re underground, space = respect.
  2. In the Streets. The most important thing to remember here is to maintain eye contact at all times. Never should there be a moment in which your eyes are not locked directly, deeply, longingly, with those of an oncoming pedestrian or local crazy person. If someone is asking you for money, what they really want are hugs – and hugs are free! Do your best to help out. If someone looks lonely, try asking them about their experiences in the war; if someone is wearing a suit, throw a molotov cocktail at them and yell something about “the revenge of the 99%.”
  3. At the Office. Treat strangers at work however you want, depending on how much you hate that particular Monday. Want to scream at a stranger for taking the last of the coffee and not refilling the pot? Go ahead. If they’re a stranger that means they’re definitely not your boss. Feel like berating a work-stranger for not being respectful enough to stifle his sneezes while you pooped in the next stall? Go for it, call him Sneezey McShartface! These people don’t matter!
  4. At the Bar. That girl wants nothing to do with you. She’s too busy listening to that oil sheikh’s prince-son talk about his dad’s super-hairy back. Trust me on this one. But that guy in the tight jeans, fedora and lenseless glasses would probably love if you bought him a PBR and asked about his underground blog on the beautiful and unique music of subway rats.
Cow Tips!
*Remember that every single person you see is a completely unique human being with a lifetime of memories and experiences that have shaped their attitudes, beliefs and daily lives. Everyone has their own reason for looking so sad all the time. What’s yours?
*If you’re going to get yourself stabbed, at least EARN IT YOU FUCKING PUSSY.
2 Responses to “How To Interact With Strangers In New York City”
  1. source says:

    Wow. This blog site is sick! How can I make it look like this ?

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