How To Endear Yourself To Howie Mandel

They say that success is when preparation and opportunity meet. But what if preparation was having a really rough morning because he stayed up all night crying and re-watching the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love? What if opportunity is being kind of a bitch for no reason? And then you end up having a When Harry Met Sally type of situation where opportunity and preparation have to meet a couple of times in perhaps an airport and a library and one of them has to fake an orgasm before they become success? Don’t let that happen to you the first time you meet Howie Mandel. Here’s how:

  1. Do not confuse him with Jimmy Stafford.  While Jimmy Stafford (of the band Train) may look like Howie Mandel, they couldn’t be more different. Mandel is a notorious germaphobe and the thought of drops of the planet Jupiter falling from the sky, entering earth’s atmosphere,  and somehow landing in a woman’s hair makes his stomach turn. Howie is also an avid fan of “Glee Cast” and was furious when their rendition of  “Don’t Stop Believin’ (Regionals Version)” lost out to Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” for the 2011 Grammy award for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals.
  2. Refuse to touch him. Howie Mandel’s signature fist bump is a result of his aversion to handshakes via the aforementioned germaphobia. If he offers you a fist bump, raise the stakes and prove you are a kindred spirit by recoiling from the thought of touching him. If possible, vomit to subtly underscore your distaste.
  3. Refuse to feed him after midnight.  Mandel got his big break by voicing the character of Gizmo in the 1984 classic Gremlins. Mandel is particularly proud of his star turn in Gremlins because of the intense legal battle with The Party concerning distribution rights in the Oceanian province prior to the film’s release. Because the film nearly didn’t see the light of day, Mandel feels a particular affinity to his character and the entire world of the film. According to a source close to Mandel he gets a real kick when strangers slap food out of his hands at 11:59 PM.
  4. Dance!  This is not Howie Mandel specific.
Cow Tips!
*If you are trying to endear yourself to Jimmy Stafford, DO confuse him for Howie Mandel.
*For a fun icebreaker, point at an attractive woman holding a briefcase and shout a number!
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