How To Talk To Your Kids About Drugs

If your kids are normal, someone will eventually offer them drugs. It will probably happen even sooner if they are extremely weird. One way or another, unless your kids work for the DEA and are bad at their jobs, someone will offer them drugs. You have most likely already had the most and 2nd most difficult conversations you will ever have with your children; here comes # 3. It’s your job as an adult to make sure they are prepared for this situation when it arises.  Studies show that kids listen to their parents when they are talking about drugs, or when dinner is ready. So prepare a nice meal and get ready to talk smack (in this case smack refers primarily to the slang term for heroin, but also to being verbally abusive to your children during the conversation that follows).

  1. Use slang. Human language evolves and changes so rapidly that many parents barely speak the same language as their children (particularly parents who adopt foreign teenagers,who literally do not speak the same language as them). The best way to connect with your child is to use language that he/she recognizes and is comfortable with. Since you can’t be sure what slang is currently en vogue, when a specific drug comes up, make sure to run through the entire list of slang synonyms. For example: “Hey Kipper. I want to talk to you for a second. Have you ever heard of a drug called Marijuana, African black, African Bush, Astro Turf, Aunt Mary, Bale, Bud, Cannabis, Dank, Ganja, Hocus, KeefMarijuana, African black, African Bush, Astro Turf, Aunt Mary, Bale, Bud, Cannabis, Dank, Ganja, Hocus, Keef is what we call a gateway drug. If anyone ever offers you Marijuana, African black, African Bush, Astro Turf, Aunt Mary, Bale, Bud, Cannabis, Dank, Ganja, Hocus, Keef….”
  2. Use personal anecdotes.  Children have very little life experience, but humans often learn best when a narrative is attached. If you have any favorite drug use/abuse stories (particularly if they involve you having sex with someone other than your child’s mother/father) do NOT hold back.
  3. Show don’t tell. Children are also very good visual learners. Abstract parables about a life destroyed will mean nothing to your child. When you sit down with them to have the talk, lay out a selection of the most common street drugs in ascending order of severity. Each time your child questions, sasses, or seems hesitant, consume 3 times the standard dose of the next drug on the table. As you slip further and further into insanity (and most likely the hospital) your child will have a powerful image burned into their brain that will serve as a constant reminder to only do a normal amount of drugs and never all at once.
  4. Q & A. When you are ready to wrap up the conversation, make sure to allow time for Q&A. This is not a real Q&A session, it is merely a trap. If your child prods you with “But dad/mom, isn’t Tylenol a drug? Or beer?” you are dealing with a chronic drug user who is currently high. First of all, they couldn’t even tell if you were their mom or dad (probably from meth) AND they are speaking like an addict — attempting to normalize THEIR behavior and deflect blame on to YOU for being drunk at their dance recital. Any child that responds in this manner should be immediately checked in to rehab or discarded.
Cow Tips!
*If you are struggling to find the right location for “the talk,” go with your child’s elementary school.
*Thanks Tut, Gramps, Choom Gang, and Ray for all the good times.
8 Responses to “How To Talk To Your Kids About Drugs”
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