How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

The Fourth of July is THE most AMERICAN Holiday on the fucking planet (aggressively masturbating finishes a close second, with the Royal Wedding coming in at a distant third). If you don’t properly celebrate the Fourth of fucking July, you can LITERALLY be deported for that shit. You can be put on a big damn boat and returned to whence your ancestors came from. Motherfucking PANGEA. So celebrate right or watch out for Johnny Law.


  1. Hot dogs.  Hot dogs are the most American food on the planet so you better slap at least 15 hot dogs on your grill. And none of that turkey or tofu dog shit. Hay is for horses and turkey is for pussies.
  2. Hamburgers.  ‘Burgs and Dogs go together like the American Justice System’s fist and the face of anybody who doesn’t serve ‘burgs and dogs at their Fourth of July celebration.
  3. Chicken.  For the ladies.
  4. Blowin’ shit up.  America was founded on three Principals. Freedom, Explosions, and Principal Skinner. Did you know that one day a year it is illegal to not blow shit up? Did you know that the day we are speaking about is the FOURTH OF JULYYYYY!? 
  5. George Washington ritual.  Each year on the the Fourth day of the Seventh month of the calendar, we are compelled to celebrate the inception of our nation by recreating the birth of our greatest general. Your preparations must begin no later than one digestive cycle following the consumption of the flesh of an American beast.  When all parties are sufficiently cloaked in blood, place the final dollop of gunpowder atop the shrine and begin the ritual. Our Lord Commander is said to grace our presence when the dawn arrives.
Cow Tips!
*If you have recently had unclean thoughts, protect your eyes from the light of General Washington’s purity.
*Fuck France.

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