How To Keep Up With The Kardashians

For years, scientists have been confounded with one of the world’s biggest mysteries, performing countless tests and experiments, spending millions of tax-payers dollars, all in an effort to solve the big Q: Why do we care about the Kardashian’s? For five years, we have watched them parade around on our televisions, laughing, crying, copulating, yet are no closer to unearthing their secret. Just when it seems their reign is coming to an end, they come back stronger, divorced-ed, pregnant-er. Alas, it seems as if they are truly uncatchable. OR ARE THEY? Here are some tips we thought may help in keeping one step ahead of this elusive bunch.

  1. Train. You won’t be “keeping up” with anybody without a little fitness action, so get your booty to the gym! A steady routine of squats, pull-ups, cardio and yoga will have you feeling refreshed and content, and you’ll be ready to attack this mission head-on with 100% energy.
  2. Stay up-to-date. The Kardashian’s are nothing if not ahead of the curve, so you’ll need to be on your grind in order to find out their next move. Whatever the hottest industry is, they’re in there. Whether that be perfumes, credit cards, or reality TV, they’re part of it. Industries they may hit next include real estate, and antidotes for zombie bites. Check out their latest dating history, only the most current athletes, musicians, entrepreneurs. Potential upcoming boyfriends they may be seen with next include Novak Djokovic, Andrew Garfield, and Mitt Romney.
  3. Infiltrate their inner circle. The aforementioned ways are fine, but this could really be the best way to get unprecedented insider access to this family. And it’s not even difficult to do! Find out where they are shooting, and show up claiming to be their brother Rob, or sisters Kendall or Kylie. You see, Kim/Kourtney/Khloe do not ever see their siblings, and have no idea what they look like in the flesh (the show uses CGI to portray them). They won’t know! Also, you can get in through other members of the family, pretending to be Lamar Odom’s estranged father, or baby Mason’s drug dealer, and use your charm to forge a lasting relationship with this wild bunch.
Cow Tips!
*These rules also work if you want to become a Real Housewife of Orange County or New Jersey, but NOT Atlanta. They require different skills for Atlanta.
*If you were ever in a fraternity, you can pretend to be Brody Jenner cause you probably look like him.
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