How To Break Up With Somebody

Relationships are hard, we all know that. And to those of you who can get through the rough times and still want to be with your partner, much respect. However, for the rest of us who are bit on the weaker side and may not be able to deal with a girl/boyfriends snoring problem, we need a way out. And breaking up is NEVER easy to do. Leaving somebody is a task that needs to be handled delicately and with tact, because you do not want to cause the other person much pain nor have them make a scene in the Church (#1 break up spot in America) you are in. Here’s how to go about this ordeal lovingly:

  1. Use Social Media. Breaking up with someone face-to-face is a surefire way to really slay their feelings as well as possibly get kicked in the sensitive areas of your body. So use 21st century tools to do the job. A compassionate Tweet saying “Its over–I am in love with your bff im sorry, I hope we can still be friends. can I come to yr house to pick up my dvds #exbfproblems” is effective and demonstrates respect for that person by not wanting to hurt them in public. Similarly, putting up pictures on Instagram with the head of your significant other replaced with a giant red X is a painless maneuver, very to-the-point, and may even get you a new follower or two in the process.
  2. The Silent Treatment. People are a lot more intuitive than we sometimes give them credit for, and can pick up on a lot of nuances without any words being exchanged. The bond that you and your partner share is obviously a strong one (otherwise you wouldn’t have dated for two long weeks), and that connection comes in handy when it’s time to end things. There’s no need to exchange hostilities; next time you meet up, simply sit them down, and stare into their eyes for a good 2-4 minutes. Forbid them from asking questions, and just transfer your feelings to them via a cosmic force. They’ll get it. And if they don’t, even better, because that means they weren’t your boy/girlfriend to begin with, and you can just walk away forever guilt-free!
  3. It’s not you, it’s them. If you do decide to do the talking route, it’s important to be sincere and honest. Since you want your soon-to-be ex to lead a happy life, let them how they let this relationship fail so they can improve going forward. Don’t go with the hack “It’s not you, it’s me” line, because it IS indeed them or the roles would have been reversed. Gently highlight that mole on their face, or draw attention to questionable songs they listen to on Spotify, or provide pictures of mutual friends who they should try and emulate physically; any advice you can provide to them is valuable. If they get hostile and/or offended, retreat for now, and try again later in an email.
  4. Turn the tables on ‘em! In an ultimate powerplay move, having THEM breakup with YOU is a great way to have the same end result, but with much less of a burden on your shoulders. To do this, simply act in a manner which will annoy your other half so much, that they will have no choice but to leave you. If you are a guy, start surprising your girlfriend with little gifts or packages or new clothes. She will immediately think you have something to cover up, and will dump you on the spot. If you are a girl, smother your man with love and care and kisses and texts to “hang out.” Guys despise being loved (unless it’s by other guys), and they will take drastic measures to make you stop. Problem. Solved.
Cow Tips!
*As an added bonus, these methods also guarantee no one will date you for at least 4 years afterwards.
*DO NOT show this article to your current boo. But do show her some of the others, we have some real fun couple-y ones!

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