How To Use WebMD Effectively

If we are able to learn anything from our journey as a society we must learn it through WebMD. WebMD is the most powerful self diagnostic tool available at 3 o’clock in the morning when your butt feels weird. If you have seen even one of the four most recent Spiderman movies, then you must know that with “Great power comes great responsibility.”  You MUST use WebMD responsibly, or you may drastically under-diagnose (the least common mistake made by those with no medical training attempting to make a medical diagnosis).  Once you have educated yourself on how to use this powerful tool, take off your pants, put on a hospital gown, and get to work.

  1. Use the animated symptom checker.  Come on — this is a doctor’s appointment, not a funeral! Even though the information you find on WebMD will likely lead you to the realization that your funeral is a lot sooner than you could have ever expected, try to have a little fun before you go! Would you rather find out you are dying from a boring list of words or by clicking on the head of a naked doll??
  2. Err on the side of  polio.  When receiving a diagnosis through WebMD you are always going to want to err on the side of polio. There are a lot of symptoms, and a lot of diseases out there, but most of them will lead you to polio. In fact, one of the most common (but least discussed) symptoms of polio is a desire to seek medical treatment via a website.
  3. Trust your expertise.  When you get a diagnosis that you weren’t expecting, trust your knowledge base and dig a little deeper. Were you expecting schizophrenia and were told you have a sinus infection? WebMD may be misreading your ailments. Look at the symptoms for the disease you THINK you have and try as hard as you can to match them up with any feelings you have had in the last two years.
  4. Call your doctor. With the passing of Obamacare, doctors everywhere are facing an increasingly busy schedule. Therefore, 70% of your Doctor will be thrilled that you were able to provide him with an effective anchoring point for his further medical treatment. The remaining 30% of your Doctor will be thinking about the most recent episode of Breaking Bad. Start your phone call with your self-diagnosis. If pressed for elaboration or explanation, ensure your primary care physician that you have seen a “specialist” and that this information is 100% accurate.
Cow Tips!
*WebMD is most effective when you are in a highly anxious state, as well as completely isolated from other human contact.
*If WebMD asks you to disrobe, bend over, and cough, you are NOT using WebMD. It’s just a person who told you their name is WebMD.
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