How To Survive Without Your Phone

A close second to many of the world’s horrible afflictions and diseases, having to spend 24 hours (or more) without a cellphone is the most horrific thing that can happen to a 20something. At that point, it basically feels like you are living on a planet with no people and no resources, although technically on a planet with tons of people and thousands of resources. While we don’t wish this scenario upon even our worst enemy, it’s a situation that arises sometimes and must be dealt with. Here’s how to possibly make this Doomsday a bit easier to stomach:

  1. Talk to people. Due to the advent of cellular phones, the act of “talking” to “people” in the flesh has slowly become obsolete. And for good reason – it’s a drag. On a day like today though, you’ll need to interact with others, so treat the conversations as you would treat any other phone conversation to ease the transition. While engaging with someone, randomly interrupt him to say that you’ve “lost service”, and you’ll reach out later when you have “more bars”. Also, like a normal call, feel free to use your usual arsenal of eye-rolling, mockery, and sarcasm as if the other party can’t see you for added authenticity.
  2. Go outside. With a phone, who even deigns to venture outdoors when there are high scores of Temple Run to demolish? However, today is no usual day, and it may be worth stepping outside to see what’s been happening in your absence. We know, WE KNOW, it’s difficult to even look at the trees, or birds, or your toes without Instagram, so improvise a bit. Throw a red sheet over your eyes, and lo and behold, you’ll be seeing the world through the Toaster filter. Take off your glasses/contacts, and voila, it’s basically the 1977 option. Bring a flashlight, shine it on your surroundings, and you’ll have a beautiful Rise-filtered visual image that will make you forget your phone is not even with you. There is so much beauty surrounding us, and it just looks better without all the…realness.
  3. Carry a notebook. Simple because you are handicapped by the fact that you are missing a limb (your phone) does not mean your mind shouldn’t work in the same way. All day, you will still be generating hilarious and witty thoughts, and discarding them is a terrible waste of brain cells. Seeing as you won’t have on-the-go access to Twitter and/or Facebook, carry a notebook to jot them all down for later. Even if the sentiment won’t be topical by the time you post it, the sheer hilarity of it will generate a lot of goodwill for you amongst your peers.
  4. Use the Police. Thanks to the ‘Contacts’ section of our phone, none of us have had to memorize a number for approximately 8-9 years. Unfortunately, today, this is not helpful. When in dire need to call/text someone, without your cell by your side, the task may seem Herculean. But fear not – what is the one number we have all committed to memory since we were kids? 911! Simply call the local police department and ask them for assistance in relaying any message along. “Hey, tell Mark the Yankees can suck deez nuts” or “Local Dominos Pizza Delivery” or “Cute guy from bar with Fedora” are all commands the operator will understand and be able to help you out with.
Cow Tips!
*Without a phone, you may have to deal with archaic tools and concepts from your parents’ generation such as ‘pencils’, ‘notebooks’, ‘family’ and ‘communicashun’ (sp?).
*Once you get your phone back, most of the time you will find that you have no missed texts, voicemails, or emails. This just means you received too many and they could not be saved by the server.
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