How To Respond If George Clooney Texts You

Living in the modern world comes with modern problems, and antiquated parables and platitudes will not serve you well.  Newer parables and platitudes will, however, serve you well. In fact, sometimes life serves you lemonade and you aren’t sure exactly what to do with it. Drink it of course! When opportunity knocks, respond to George … Continue reading

How To Get In Touch With Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly Rae Jepsen has become a worldwide sensation since the release of her hit song, 2009’s “Sour Candy.” Now days, between touring, promoting her new album, and hanging out with Justin Bieber, her schedule is jam-packed with very little free time left over. How is one possibly meant to contact her if they have something … Continue reading

How To Get Through Freshman Orientation Week

It’s that time of the year again! As the sun begins to set on summer vacation, millions of kids and young adults alike will begin a new journey into unknown territory. Whether it be high school, college, medical school or defensive driving school, the first five days are your time to get acquainted with your … Continue reading

How To Defeat Usain Bolt in the 100M

On Sunday, August 5th, 80,000 British people witnessed Usain Bolt become an Olympic legend. 5 hours later, following a tape delay and a three hour puff piece in which Bob Costas simply watched Michael Phelps masturbate, US audiences were treated to Usain Bolt’s breathtaking display of athleticism.  Upon watching Usain cross the finish line for a … Continue reading

How To Deal When Your Crush Spurns You

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This is not always true. Spending 17 weeks in a full body cast will make you demonstrably weaker. Go to the gym and max out on the chest press and record the weight. Spend 17 weeks in a full body cast. Go to the gym and … Continue reading

How To Deal When Your Sperms Crush You

Do NOT be a hero. If your sperms are crushing you, seek immediate medical attention. Call 911.  When dealing with an injury of this type it is important to respond quickly. Delayed treatment could result in damage to your reproductive system. Cow Tips! *Do NOT put pressure on the injured area. *Stay calm. Increased anxiety … Continue reading

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