How To Deal When Your Crush Spurns You

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This is not always true. Spending 17 weeks in a full body cast will make you demonstrably weaker. Go to the gym and max out on the chest press and record the weight. Spend 17 weeks in a full body cast. Go to the gym and record a video of you being unable to walk or pick anything up.  A more accurate phrase would be “What doesn’t date you makes you stronger.”  Every time a special someone says “No thanks, I don’t want to date you.  I think we shouldn’t be friends,” you should be excited for the opportunity to grow! Follow this advice and you will be ready to be rejected by someone else in no time.

  1. Have some perspective.  One rejection is not the end of the world! December, 21st 2012 is the end of the world. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and if no humans will date you many of these fish will be impressed by your ability to walk on land and cut up plastic six pack holders. Perspective comes with a measure of self-awareness. While one rejection is not the worst thing in the world a pattern of consistent rejection empirically demonstrates your failure as a potential mate. Our friend Perspective rides to the rescue again! With your genes being weeded out of the gene pool due to your complete inability to attract a mate, the human race will be made stronger and more likely to survive the Mayan apocalypse.
  2. Use Facebook status updates/tweets to speak directly to the one who hurt you. Song lyrics (preferably Drake or Trey Songz featuring Drake) should clear everything up. If statistics mean anything, your crush is most likely checking your status every hour on the hour because maybe if you say the right thing they will realize that they actually love you and not the douchebag whose bed they are in.
  3. Try to find a Netflix movie that is exactly the situation that just happened to you. You won’t fully be able to move on emotionally without watching a romantic film that is very close thematically, and factually, to the emotional roller coaster you just experienced.  Suggested viewing for all Werewolves that were rejected for a sparkling Vampire: Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.
  4. Eat, Pray, Cry.  Repeat.
Cow Tips!
*Treat yourself to a spa day or a picture of your crush photoshopped into a picture of you.
*Be careful of getting caught in a cycle of negative thoughts. A cycle of destructive behaviors is a safe alternative.
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