How To Defeat Usain Bolt in the 100M

On Sunday, August 5th, 80,000 British people witnessed Usain Bolt become an Olympic legend. 5 hours later, following a tape delay and a three hour puff piece in which Bob Costas simply watched Michael Phelps masturbate, US audiences were treated to Usain Bolt’s breathtaking display of athleticism.  Upon watching Usain cross the finish line for a second consecutive gold medal in the 100M sprint, a majority of the audience was struck by the same thought* “Can anybody beat this guy?” The answer is Yes — anybody CAN beat this guy. Here is how:

  1. Tell him no one is watching.  Usain Bolt notoriously thrives on the attention and adoration of the spectators. If you are unlucky enough to be facing him in a race arrive two hours early and convince the stadium’s manager to turn the lights off once all of the athletes are lined up in the blocks. Turn to Bolt and say “Dude, nobody is even going to see this race. It’s too dark. Plus even if the lights turn back on, haven’t you read 1984? Big Brother controls history anyway man. If nobody writes about it, it didn’t happen or something.”  This will hopefully slow him down by .01 of a second. At this pace you will still be demolished so continue the process.
  2. Perfect your timing.  In a race as short as ten seconds, timing is everything. You should not be concerned with how fast you are off the blocks because if your timing is perfect, it won’t matter. You should focus on when you race Usain Bolt. If possible try to race him when he is less than 18 months old. As a baby he will likely struggle to walk and will barely finish the race in under ten seconds. Barring the opportunity to run against an infant, wait until old age takes it’s course and face the Olympic champ while he is in a hospital bed.
  3. Bring a gun.  Guns don’t kill people, but they can cause Olympic legends to false start.  The world has long known that Usain’s greatest competitor is Usain himself. Bring a gun to your race and fire it over head seconds before the official start. The rest of the field will be immediately disqualified, but you have a gun, and the judges will hesitate for a split second, leaving you holding the Gold.
  4. Compete in hundreds of thousands of races.  The surest of sure things will fail you occasionally if your sample size is large enough (except for Dwyane the Rock Johnson). In 100,000 races against Usain Bolt, the average human has an expected win total of 0.5.  That counts!
Cow Tips!
*The rest of the audience was attempting to discern how many members of the Chinese Women’s gymnastics team Bolt could defeat in a fist fight before being outmatched.
*Wet Willy’s always work. So do purple nurples.

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