How To Respond If George Clooney Texts You

Living in the modern world comes with modern problems, and antiquated parables and platitudes will not serve you well.  Newer parables and platitudes will, however, serve you well. In fact, sometimes life serves you lemonade and you aren’t sure exactly what to do with it. Drink it of course! When opportunity knocks, respond to George Clooney’s text messages with class and aplomb.

  1. Make sure it’s real. George Clooney and Brad Pitt are best known for their Oscar winning turn as best friends in the 2004 documentary Ocean’s Twelve. The shenanigans that took place on-camera (heist, eating, etc) can’t touch the loopy behavior that happened off-camera (prank texting, hunger strikes, etc). Make sure you are texting with  Mr. Clooney by starting off your response with a subtle dig at Benjamin Button. “Sure I’ll go out with you as long as it doesn’t extend a short story to unbearable length and feature an old baby.” If he responds with a “Lol :)” you’re in the clear. If the response is closer to “Indeed. That sounds fun. Please meet me at mile marker 29 for our fun date,” call the police immediately because Brad Pitt is going to murder you.
  2. Be naive.  Actors spend all day surrounded by people who assume they are friends because they have seen one of their movies. Once you know it’s George Clooney, text him back, “Um. Who is this? Are you my dentist or something?” Your small town sensibility will be refreshing. If the topic of movies comes up during your Sexy Message Sending (SMS) exchange, ask if he means outdoor play acting at the local theatre, and inquire if he would perhaps like a Sarsaparilla or want to play Desdemona in a community production of Othello.
  3. Don’t be overeager. Timing is everything when attempting to hook a whale like Clooney. You must be patient when returning his text messages or he will lose interest. Start with a 2 minute response time and increase it exponentially by a factor of 2 with each further message. After your 5th or 6th text message more than a decade will have passed. At this point it is safe to respond with a “Hi…”
  4. Change your phone number. You don’t know George Clooney. How did he get your phone number? This may be one of Brad Pitt’s “fun” pranks after all, and in this case, fun means murdering you.
Cow Tips!
*If you find yourself panicking, think it over with a Twix. Or just take your time because you are texting and no one can tell that you don’t know what to say.
*Let loose a little. Just because you are about to be murdered is no reason not to go on a date with someone! It’s just a date. It’s not a commitment. Maybe you’ll have fun! You don’t have to fulfill anyone’s expectations.
2 Responses to “How To Respond If George Clooney Texts You”
  1. Wes B. says:

    I’ll try to follow your instructions, but if any celebrity ever texted me out of the blue, I’d probably go wild!

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