How To Decline An Invitation

Social relationships require constant upkeep. When neglected or poorly maintained, a friendship can wither and die like a plant that is not properly watered and has people ignore it’s text messages.  Unwanted invitations can be a particularly THORNY (more plant imagery!) issue and must be handled with tact. It requires the delicate push-pull of a father & son fighting on a balance beam, and when executed correctly, will leave your unrequited host feeling loved, supported, and totally unsure of whether or not you will be attending.

    1. Review your invitation history. Before you can 100% commit to backing out of an event you’d rather not attend, you must carefully examine your recent invitation history with the host in question. If you have flaked out on 5 invitations in a row, you must either attend the 6th or (time allowing) get someone pregnant (could be yourself) and miss the event for the birth of your child. There is no in-between.
    2. Perform an “invite counter.”  The battle to be out-of-attendance is all about leverage, and Leverage is all about a team of modern day Robins Hood who must do bad to do good. TNT’s crack team (all new episodes Sunday at 9) would advise that you respond quickly with an invite of your own. The quick response is key because you’ll need to be able to claim that “the invites must’ve crossed in the mail/internet!” The more unappealing and inconvenient your invitation the better. Ex. “Hey I was just writing to invite you to my nephew’s Brit Milah! It’s Sunday morning at 5:15 AM and it’s only about a 2 hour car ride.” If your invitation is declined, you are in the clear. WARNING! If you use this tactic you may end up having to go to a stranger’s baby’s circumcision party.
    3. Use “confusiasm.”  Confusiasm is a combination of the words confusion and enthusiasm and orgasm (the ‘org’ is silent). It is best illustrated with a sample textual messaging exchange.  Inviter: Hey. We are gonna go to this warehouse and just see what happens. You in? You: YEAH YO I WILL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON! WHO IS BRINGING THE LOBSTER ROLLS?! Inviter: Hmm? You i guess. Anyway we are leaving at like 7 so you should head over here at 6:45. You: OH SICK. IS IT COOL IF I SHOW UP AT 4:00 I HAVE A LOT OF IDEAS I WANT TO RUN BY YOU. DO YOU HAVE A DRESS I COULD WEAR?!?!??!?!!!? Inviter: I can’t tell if you are mocking me or if you are serious… You: Me either bro, me either. Anyway, I’ll call you after brunch.
    4. Facebook counterintelligence.  Many of your unwanted invites will come via Facebook, and those that don’t are probably hosted by someone who will be tracking his/her guests movements to get an idea of how much shrimp to order.  You can use this level of connectivity to your advantage. A photo of a broken phone, computer, and physical mailbox along with a frown face emoticon will make it clear that you aren’t shirking your friendship’s responsibilities, you just never knew about the “Only Use Lines From Point Break” party in the first place! (You should use a fake phone/computer/mailbox so you don’t miss any invitations you might actually want.)
Cow Tips!
*Always make sure P. Diddy is not planning on showing up at a party before you decide to avoid it.
*If you are hosting a party that you would like to actually cancel, there is no need for any of the above fancy footwork; simply burn your house down.

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