How To Get Into College

The American Dream is changing; the classic vision of home ownership, a white picket fence, a small dog, two and a half kids, at least one slave, a quiet unambitious wife, and the fastest horse money can buy no longer rings true to many Americans (most of these changes can be attributed to women being allowed to dream and medical complications surrounding half children).  With images of an ideal life branching out more than ever (look no further than Skrillex for evidence) one thing remains largely unchanged; attending college. Getting in will be easy after today, what you do when you get there is up to you.

    1. Focus on extracurriculars. Here is the real hard truth — your grades aren’t getting you into college. If you have straight A’s, so does everyone else you are competing against. If you have straight D’s, you better be bringing something else to the table anyway. Don’t just sit on this knowledge, use it. DO NOT TURN IN ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT. It will only waste time that you could be spending on something that really matters (this is known as ‘Opportunity Cost’ for the lame kids who have already taken Economics in high school): Extracurriculars. Many students think that being a top ranked swimmer, school president, and founder of the Society for Breaking Bad is enough. Wrong. In fact, these are barely extracurriculars. By definition, extracurricular means “outside the regular curriculum or program of courses.” This means you need to think outside the box because athletics and school government have become the new norm. Do you know what’s rare to see on a college application?  “Created a series of stop motion movies starring my cat that I then destroyed shortly thereafter; Financially ruined theatre club through clever “Ponzi” style scheme; Scared of old people & homeless people but for some reason NOT scared of old, homeless people; Regular but impressive bowel movements.”
    2. Be common.  The time for standing out is over. Once you sit down to begin the essay writing process you must be nothing other than common. Did you think it was called the common app for nothing?  Try to get a good idea of the essays your peers are writing (either by being a good listener or a good thief). Once you have tapped into your common app zeitgest, meditate briefly and try to distill it down to a single sentence. This will be the title of all of your essays (including the supplement). In four out of the last ten years, the most apt phrase was “The lesson I learned about adversity when I was the captain of my grandparents the week I was away from home and I am a really really really special student.”
    3. Gift well. Once your essay is in the mail, you should immediately receive a text message to confirm an interview at the schools you have applied to (if you do not receive this text message, you will NOT be accepted and should begin your life in the woods. Find Gale, tell Prim you love her, and flee).  The interview process is fairly simple. The interviewer will not be taking notes on any of the words you say, and their recommendation will depend entirely on the appropriateness of the gift you bring them. Select a sufficiently impressive gift (something small and reasonable, like 7 iPads or a car) and present it up front! Once you have presented the gift, you will show that you are prepared, savvy, and have an insiders knowledge of the process by speaking in gibberish/2 Chainz lyrics (synonyms) for the rest of the interview.
    4. Senior that itis. The hard part is over. Nothing can stop you now. You’ve done your extracurriculars, you’ve sent in a perfect essay, and you nailed the interview! So you should just quietly return to your regularly scheduled academic programming, right? Wrong! Colleges want to make sure they are getting students who can thrive outside of a high school environment. They EXPECT evidence to support this. A borderline application can be given just the right boost when an admissions officer stumbles upon Facebook pictures of partying, cutting class, punching your teachers, and sleeping very very late.
Cow Tips!
*When filling out the common app, do not use your given name. Use the most common name in America: Mohammad Smith.
*If you are not accepted, most schools will allow you to “audit” an unlimited number of classes for free if you don’t tell them about it and are very good at avoiding detection.

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