How To Deal With Your Friend’s Engagement

Remember when we were kids, and all our lives were pretty much uniform? School, playdates, snack-time, videogames, breast-feeding…those were the days! No competition, no jealousy, no ill will, no Will.I.Am. Unfortunately, when you hit your 20s, a strange thing starts to happen. People begin branching off and straying from the path that you had assumed you all would walk on forever, and it becomes a source of some real tension. It’s when dark feelings begin bubbling to the surface, as you realize your “friends” never actually planned on moving to an island with you when you hit 40, as had been CLEARLY STATED in your friendship contract in 5th grade. And what’s one of the biggest offenses? Your friend getting engaged with the man/woman of their dreams, leaving your single booty behind in the dust. Here’s how to deal with this knife in the back:

  1. Sue. As stated above, if your friend’s engagement clearly violates one of the statutes agreed upon in the pre-written Friendship Contract, it is grounds for a lawsuit. By proving to a Court of Law (or, Jude Law) that your friend has breached the terms of your relationship, you may be entitled to a nullification of his/her engagement and a trip to therapy to mend all broken bridges between you two. Of course, do not expect to be friends with this person for the five years following the case due to the intense trauma, but all you care about is that when the big 4-0 comes around, both y’all are still single and ready for that lifelong island living.
  2. Feign Happiness. This step is not encouraged for all those who do NOT have at least one Emmy nomination under their belt, as it will simply not be very convincing. But if you are a thespian of stage or screen, turn your frown upside down, and go overboard with your delight at hearing this news. Hug your friend, plan an engagement party, even offer to be one of the bridesmaids/groomsman! The intense struggle between your inner discord and outer harmony will eventually render you emotionless, and you’ll be able to go about attending the wedding in blissful zombie-like existence.
  3. Pity Party. One of the easiest ways to deal with this unfortunate situation is to throw yourself a good ol’ Pity Party. Simply make a Facebook event for aforementioned party, and invite all other friends who have been scarred by this engagement. Possible themes for this party include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression. If someone comments that these are stages of grief, or suggests Acceptance as a theme, immediately set fire to their Farmville property.
  4. Find your own boo. HEY YOU! How about INSTEAD of throwing yourself a pity party (which no one will RSVP to on Facebook anyway), why don’t you be a go-getter and make things right yourself. So what if your friend found ONE guy, there are plenty of fish in the sea! And guess what, fish are super into humans and have especially large libidos, and now you won’t have to attend the wedding alone.
Cow Tips!
*A movie marathon helps everytime. Suggested titles are: Hostel, Hostel 2, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saw II, Saw IV, Love Actually, and Saw III.
*If you are the friend getting engaged, read up on the famous Wiig vs Rudolph lawsuit to familiarize yourself with the legal implications of your ‘happiness.’
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