How To Lose A Ton Of Weight Without Having To Work Out

A recent poll lists the following as the top 5 things that people would like to change about themselves. 1. Lose a few pounds. 2. Different colored hair. 3. Be closer friends with Bieber. 4. Change my job. 5. Be born in a different era that has more dinosaurs or robots or, hopefully, both. Most of these changes can be effected with a simple letter of resignation, box of hair dye, or time machine, but losing weight (and keeping it off!) can be difficult. Doctors may prescribe a healthy dose of working out, but that can be costly and sweaty and there are other methods that maybe might work.

  1. Outsmart your scale  When attempting to begin any self improvement project it is important to establish a baseline reading at the outset in order to track your progress. When you first step on the scale bring a close friend or a 50 pound barbell with you. In a day or two, check back in and wow all of your friends with the dramatic weight loss.
  2. Cosmetic amputation Many people focus on the stomach, thighs, and buttocks as problem areas when they attempt to lose weight. In fact, your bones, heart, skin, and muscles make up for almost 80% of your weight! Ask your doctor if removing any or all of these features might be an effective weight loss strategy for you! Your doctor will probably say no, believe you are experiencing a psychotic episode,  and ask that you “stay at the hospital over the weekend for observation.” Hospital food is notoriously unappetizing & nutritious which should lead to a .7-.9 lb loss.
  3. Vacation For many people, a vacation means margaritas by the pool and intense domestic arguments about how far in advance Mom needed to say “turn right at the light.” Hardly the place for weight loss! If you show some restraint and get a little creative with the location, you can do quite well on the scale while on vacation. Book a flight on Virgin Galactic non-stop to the moon. While there you will experience an immediate 30% weight loss and won’t have to deal with pickpockets or the rampant consumerism that plagues the trendy tourist hot spots.
Cow Tips!
*When you return from your trip to the moon you will be just as heavy as when you left, BUT! you probably won’t care because of the deep depression you will be feeling about returning from the cosmos to live out the rest of your life on the unremarkable rock that is the Earth.
*Trade in your house or condo for a life on the high seas. Being forced to tread water to live is a great workout and won’t feel like a boring trip to the gym. It will feel more like desperately trying to live.
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Comments
One Response to “How To Lose A Ton Of Weight Without Having To Work Out”
  1. g0ddamn1t says:

    Reblogged this on Skinny From Scratch and commented:
    lawl

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