How To Succeed in Life

In order to succeed in life you will need talent, drive, luck, Andrew Luck’s phone number, willpower,
and probably other things. Depending on your path in life, those other things might be a noodle (spaghetti or pool toy), an Alex Rodriguez rookie card, larger than average lung capacity, Tony Romo’s cell phone number, and a lighter. On another path, it might be a turtle shell, a backpack full of pancakes, a backpack at 80% pancake capacity, the Funion recipe, hot cheetos, and takis. On yet another path you may find yourself needing an uncle who is a police officer, your dad e-mailing you a .gif of your thanksgiving dinner, The Office Season 1 on DVD, and a copy of the original
Harry Potter manuscript as written on a napkin. By this point you should understand that success is wide ranging and difficult to quantify or plan for. To find the true key to a successful life, read on.

  1. Dramatically alter your definition of success. “Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed.” – Abraham Lincoln. It is well known that Abraham Lincoln uttered these words, and they are often interpreted as a call to perseverance, a reminder that your journey cannot end in failure if you simply keep striving. Unfortunately, this reading is out of context. A little known fact about Lincoln’s life (discovered during one of Daniel Day Lewis’s daily communes with Abraham’s ghost while filming Lincoln) is that Abraham Lincoln did not want to be President. Lincoln’s passion was the sport Slamball, and he died a mere 137 years before the game went pro. With each year of his life, Lincoln grew more and more dissatisfied, until he finally renounced his dream and regretfully accepted the office of POTUS in 1847. Not everyone can ‘succeed’ by the traditional definition of the word (cars, money, fame, Slamball contract) so the easiest way to make your life a successful one is to simply revamp your definition.
  2. Do pretty much anything. What did you do today? Brush your teeth? Congratulations! You may not be featured in Forbes, but you fought gum disease. Success. Did you watch Gallery Girls, and Swamp People, and a few minutes of Inside Man, and most of Dance Flick? Congratulations! You may not have left your house, but you did support the Wayans Brothers. Success.
  3. Create specific goals. If you are still struggling to succeed after the above steps, it may be time to take a more radical approach to goal-setting. If Ludwig Wittgenstein taught us anything, it’s that words matter. Or something. Take some time to rephrase your goals in a more “successful” light. “Teach underprivileged kids” becomes “try to teach for at least one day even if you get fired.” Similarly, “Wake up every day before 7AM” simply transitions to “Wake up every day before 7PM.” With these small semantic changes, you will find yourself succeeding in no time and with no effort to boot.
Cow Tips!
*Jay-Z (pictured above) considers himself a failure. If you haven’t had a chance, check out some of his music for a tortured, subtle look at the nature of un-success.
*Rig the wheel, get the blue car, and steal a few promissory notes before the game begins.

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