How To Tell A Guest To Leave

Your party is over, your hosting complete.

The crowd slowly dwindles, with pleasure replete.

The trash has been gathered.

The tables are cleared.

The dishes are lathered, and ” YO CABS ARE HERE.

Your head hits the pillow, it drops with a thunk.  The drinks are all gone, and all gone are the drunks.

Oh wait. Except for your cousin’s friend Peter. He is still sitting on your couch watching SportsCenter, drinking 1 of the 4 remaining Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas he brought to your Christmas party and asking if you “Are sure nobody would deliver souvlaki right now?”

Good hosting (as judged by America’s favorite magazine Good Housekeeping) dictates that you cannot directly ask a lingering guest to leave. These are the rules of the game. Your tool box is passive aggression and by wielding it with care you can take back your home.

  1. Put on your PJS. Nothing says “Please Leave” like a host in PJs. Whatever your style – onesie, twosie, redsie, bluesie, topless, bottomless – night time clothing is a clear cut sign to your guest that it is time to depart.
  2. Cough loudly. Nothin’ says “Get Out” like a host having a theatrical coughing fit. Exaggerated coughing is the universal sign for “Please leave the place you are at or stop doing what you are doing or please don’t finish that sentence in front of my mom.” If you use the right inflection, your guest will be gone before you can sarcastically thank them for leaving.
  3. Open the door. Nurthing says “Goodbye” like an open door. Any excuse you can find to open the door will psychologically prime the guest to leave. Fly in the room. Gotta walk the dog. Paper boy will be arriving soon and I want him to throw the paper right into my hallway. Hopefully the fresh air outside will cause your lame lingerer to wander out of the house in search of the next party.
  4. Put your dick on him. Nuttin’ says “GTFO”  like a surprise dick on the shoulder. If you don’t have a dick, a fake dick will suffice. Or just a really graphic drawing of a dick.
Cow Tips!
*If your unwanted guest is a dog, throw a can full of coins on the ground near it.
*If your unwanted guest is a baby, just leave it outside in a basket and it will eventually lead the chosen people out of Egypt (and also your house).
4 Responses to “How To Tell A Guest To Leave”
  1. Juliette says:

    I’m going to print this one out and put it on the fridge! I’ll be laughing all weekend! Thanks for the smile and practical advice!

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