How To Tell If Your New Twitter Follower Is Real

Conventional wisdom would suggest that you should not measure you self worth in online interactions, but conventional wisdom also used to suggest that the world was flat, that a leech to the eye was an effective cure for depression, and that we needed two Hulk movies. Conventional wisdom would also have you believe that men prefer blondes; ever heard of Zooey Deschanel, conventional wisdom? Men prefer Zooey. Conventional wisdom is not a good friend. Con Con Wisdy is the kind of friend that would show up to your house and (already knowing that you have microwave popcorn) say “Yo, do you have any microwave popcorn?” Suffice to say, conventional wisdom doesn’t know what it is talking about. When measuring your self worth you should actually HIGHLY value online interactions — just make sure they are with humans, or at least with robots who are indistinguishable from humans. So the next time a little bird says “You’ve Got A New Follower”, make sure it is a human before you write their name on your bedroom wall in permanent marker.

  1. Skim the bio. Human’s use their Twitter bio as a fun way to let you know that they aren’t funny. They will probably reference Justin Bieber. Robot’s do not know who Justin Bieber is. A meaningless (to your pathetic brain) string of 1s and 0s is a good indicator that you are dealing with a NOT funny computer programmer. Robot’s are known for their wit and will likely have a succinct social commentary that takes into account, race, class, and gender.
  2. Check out the personal website. You might be surprised – while you may initially assume that “” would imply a robot, it is often simply a porn actress who loves hearing about your breakfast and what you thought of the VP debate. In fact, eHarmony estimates that in 80% of their matches, at least one partner initially suspected the other to be a sex robot.
  3. Send a test tweet.  The ability to reach out and instantly communicate is a large reason we all love Twitter. So don’t just sit back and investigate, hit the bricks and do some leg work. Computers were invented in 1985 by the CIA as part of a program intended to provide Ronald Reagan with someone to talk to when his wife was mad at him. Ask a robot/computer about anything before 1985, and they will certainly deflect your probing questions about the “Before Time.”
  4. Arrange a meetup. The above steps should give you a pretty good idea of if you are dealing with a human, but the only way to know for sure is to arrange a meetup. Using direct messaging set up a meet IRL at the nearest Weigh-Your-Own-Frozen-Yogurt joint. Did a human show up? Was it a Macbook Pro? A visual inspection won’t be entirely sufficient. What type of noise is your new friend making? Is it human language? Human sounds? Beeps & bloops?  If the answer to any of the above questions was “Human” then you have a real life new internet friend!
Cow Tips!
*Computers don’t have genitals, so to expedite the process, a well executed “I’ll show mine if you show me yours” should provide you with all the answers you need.
*I ask you to consider: What makes a man? Is a man that spends his life stuck to a keyboard truly a man? Is a robot that lives and feels and loves a man? Is a woman a man? Are children men? Are men who wear half pants men? Are robots who have acquired a suit made of skin men? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

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