How To Write An Informative Yelp Review

They say that a life spent judging is a life wasted. But really, who are They, and have They ever been treated with hostility at a three and a half star establishment? As we all know by now, no choice regarding where to eat/drink/sleep/hook-up can be done without a quick Yelp search to aid our decision. The word has become part of our everyday lexicon – used as a noun (“I’m totes on Yelp.com”), a verb (“I was Yelping that girl who walked by, totes four stars right?”), and even an adverb (“You’ve been totes Yelply rating everything these days!”). As a community, it’s our responsibility to provide accurate information to our fellow man, which is why the reviews on the website are so important. They need to be well-written, informative, and forceful, all at once. Want to do your part for society? Here’s your chance:

  1. Tell a story. Nothing engages a reader more than a moving anecdote, so don’t hesitate to dig deep emotionally when writing a review. Becoming enraged because Guacamole is $2 extra is a very visceral reaction — we’ve all been there — so express that when detailing your experience. Also, feel free to write about things not related to eating/drinking at all, such as the passing of your hamster or the new boots you bought. Anything eloquent can elicit a reaction, and who knows, your summary of why Outsourced was actually a brilliant social satire may get a few people to rate it as “Cool.”
  2. Be as specific as possible. When sharing your valued opinion with the world, try and pinpoint the exact areas which impressed/disappointed you the most. You want to paint the most complete picture of your experience, so get explicit with the details. Here’s an example: Pros – good food, nice lighting, waiter had white teeth, my socks don’t have holes in them today. Cons – chairs were uncomfortable, bartender did not accept my phone number, menu was not in Comic Sans font.
  3. Give suggestions. The conclusion of any good Yelp review is the Suggestion section, where you, the writer, can give your final recommendations. If you liked the place, go with something positive like “Try the Veal!” or “Go on Mondays for great live music!” or “Wear clothes for speedier service!” Conversely, if you don’t care too much for the joint, throw out alternatives such as “Go the Pizza place down the street!” or “Nutella!” or “Consume mushrooms and watch Fantasia in your own home!!”
Cow Tips!
*Feel free to review places you have not been to as well, just based on your gut feeling and/or the fact that your asshole ex works there.
*According to studies, an ideal review should strive to have 4 ‘Useful’ hits, 3 ‘Funny’ hits, and 19.2 ‘Cool’ hits.
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