How To Survive Without Power

According to the National Bureau of Statistics over 17 people lost power this past week as a result of Hurricane Sandy. If you are one of those 17 or more people you are probably experiencing a feeling of ‘ennui’. Adrift in this life without any of your electronic comforts, with nary a way to look up the word ennui. Fear not traveler, no need to regret your decision to laugh derisively at Duracell’s Powermat. Until the lights go back up, use these words as your guide, and always look to the north star. *

*IF YOU DO HAVE POWER PLEASE PRINT THIS OUT AND GIVE IT TO YOUR FRIENDS WHO DON’T. THEY NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER.

  1. Complain. The biggest risk associated with power loss is a concurrent loss of morale. A steady stream of witty complaints should boost your own spirit as well as the spirits of those around you. Remind everyone of all the things they could be doing if the lights were on. If any other enterprising survivor attempts to start a game of Monopoly by candle light, agree to play, but first remark “I’ll probably win. If I can EVEN see the pieces.”
  2. Act like your ancestors. Humans spent most of their existence on this planet without power. Look to the example your ancestors set when feeling lost. Depending on your scenario, the following habits of early man may serve you well: usage of bows and arrows, spearing fish, making fire from friction, not being able to speak, having a really hairy body, owning people, thinking cats are gods, not letting women to vote, putting leeches on yourself if ill, phrenology, astrology, Tamagachis.
  3. Ration your battery power. If you heeded the warnings of your local weatherman, all of your devices should be fully charged. For a typical American this means a laptop, an iPhone, an iPad, an iPad mini, an iPod touch and a Kindle Fire. First things first. Throw your Kindle Fire in a river because you won’t be doing any reading. With your remaining gadgets at full power, you should be able to last at least 3 hours with proper rationing. You no longer have the luxury of streaming Season 1 of Breaking Bad on your iPad while simultaneously streaming Season 2 of Breaking Bad on your iPad mini. In your new circumstances it would be prudent to stream Breaking Bad Season 1 on your iPad while playing a previously downloaded episode of Revolution on your iPad mini. Live tweet everything that is happening from your iPhone. The rest of the world is looking to you for guidance, and just maybe, MAYBE, a little god damned hope. Use your laptop as a seat and your iPod as a slipper.
  4. Eat all the ice cream. Ice cream disposal is the great silver lining that comes with all electricity blackouts (and also with 40% of alcohol induced blackouts). Forget your diet, the world may not exist tomorrow, and the ice cream certainly won’t. Eat all of the ice cream in your freezer. When you have finished that, drive around your immediate area raiding any grocery stores or children’s party establishments. They may still have power and as such will not understand what you are doing. DO NOT BE DISSUADED. All ice cream must go.
  5. Release your animals. Animals don’t use power. Allow them to forge out on their own. Release any dogs you own into the lake. Free your birds into a cave. Emancipate your fish into the fertile patch along the highway. They will be better off without you.
  6. Burn your social security card. The second the sparklers go dark, burn your Social Security Card. It won’t do you any good out there. It’s just a liability now. A crew of rovers could show up at any minute, and if they don’t know who you are they can’t take your soul.
  7. Befriend your local Warlord. In power loss situations, the local and federal government are dissolved, on average, in less than 3 hours. Your new ruler is the human on your block with the most guns and mopeds and your new currency is milk. Find your local warlord and offer him/her all the milk and oats you can carry. (Milk: dollar bills as Oats: Coins). Might makes right now. And Vitamin D Milk buys an awful lot of might.
Cow Tips!
*When you don’t have any power your toilets won’t work. Poop in your bathtub until it reaches capacity and move on to the next safe house.
*The above fact is not true. But when the power goes out you can pretty much poop anywhere and no one will say anything.
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