How To Choose A Tattoo

So you’ve decided to sit in a barber’s chair and let someone stain your epidermis! You’ve cleaned your arm and taken your anti hepatitis medication, and all that’s left now is to select a pattern. This will be the most important decision you make when it comes to “ink & skin” based decisions (other than “don’t draw a dick on my boss with a sharpie”). You don’t want to be just another stupid bro with his grandmother’s gingerbread recipe across his ribs.  You are going to have to live with this decision either until you die or until skin transplants. Don’t rush into it, take your time, consider your options and Never. Look. Back.

  1. Free associate. The valve to the mind is free association. Sit down in the chair and just start saying things. Your subconscious will guide you to the tattoo that is your destiny. Valve. Mind. Matter. Matterhorn. Horn. Unicorn. Corn. Korn. Now tattoo the names of every Korn single on your inner thigh.
  2. Do you see anything right now? A common regret among people with tattoos is that their references feel dated when they look back on them in old age. The tattoo of Phileas Fogg seemed like a good idea at the time, but now you are 150, it looks weird on the wrinkled patch of skin that used to be your forehead. The best way to make sure your tattoo stands the test of time is to pick imagery or themes that are timeless. One thing that never goes out of style is “the present moment.” It’s all we have. Do you see anything right now? Pick that.
  3. Use negative space.  As you know, it is impossible to remove a tattoo or even cover one up (if you want the freedom to wear flip flops and tankinis). One effective workaround is to use negative space. Rather than getting a traditional tattoo, select your image or text and ask your artist to simply outline it. Once the outline is complete have your tattoo guru ink all of your skin except for the image! This way, if you end up regretting your choice you can just head back to the parlor and fill in the rest. You’ll have colored skin, but this is 2012 and we don’t use that terminology anymore. Thank you.
Cow Tips!
*We have ignored the process of choosing where to locate the tattoo, because…well…obviously base of butthole.
*If you need advice on selecting your favorite member of the russian dance pop duo t.A.T.u. go with Ms. Volkova.

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