How To Get Rid Of That Ticklish Itch In Your Throat

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year – the intersection of allergy season and flu season – and that means raw, sneezy, itchy noses and throats everywhere. We all know and dread that feeling, when you get a tiny little tickle-itch at the way back of your throat and you want to just rip out your flesh and stab knives into your neck to make it go away. You’ve tried everything, from smashing your throat on the bedside table to drinking boiling water to putting your neck on the 3rd rail of the subway, and none of it has worked. Here are some easier (ed. note: still very invasive) methods you can try in your moments of deepest, itchiest despair.

  1. Gargle with salt. Some people might tell you to gargle with salt water, but unless you’re a wimpy little crybaby (are you? ARE YOU? HUH? Bitch.) this will work way better. Tilt your head back and fill your mouth to the brim with sea salt (granulated rock salt will not work as well). Tamp down the salt with the back of a spoon to make sure you have an airtight fit, and find somewhere comfortable to sit, because now you have to wait for your saliva to dissolve the salt and pool in the back of your throat, where the highly corrosive mixture will surely destroy whatever is causing the problem and rid you of that annoying tickle.
  2. Cut out your uvula. All throat tickles begin and end with the uvula, which can be found somewhere between the clitoris and the brain. Removing it is even more difficult and painful than it sounds, so enlist a friend with exceptional hand-eye coordination and access to heavy narcotics. You can also try to do it yourself, but it’s hard to hold a flashlight, a mirror, a knife, your butt and the TV remote all at the same time.
  3. Use a subwoofer. If you can’t cut out and/or dissolve the source of your throat-itch, your other option is to try to “scratch” it with sonic waves. One way to vibration-scratch your inner neckular throat region is to lay flat on the floor and place your largest subwoofer so that it sits directly atop your throat. Turn the bass to the maximum level and play a song with heavy bass, such as the theme to “Inception” or the song “Dubstep.” If you happen to achieve the fabled Brown Note, fear not – you can wipe up that poop with the cash from the multi-billion dollar contract you were just awarded by the Department of Defense.
  4. Get Darth Vader to Force-choke you. Find Lord Vader (try going to the Degobah system or Coruscant and asking around for “Luke and Leia’s dad”) and say this to his face: “Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” He will find your lack of faith disturbing and Force-choke you to show that you are merely an Imperial Officer bitch and he is a Sith Lord.
Cow Tips!
*These methods will NOT work if you have a frog in your throat. For that, please refer to the “How To Get Money From Your Parents” article, and then use that money to pay a real doctor to remove the amphibian from your esophagus.
*The longer you force someone to shine a flashlight down your throat, the more they’ll resent you for involving them in your petty discomforts and making them look at the inside of your gross mouth.

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