How To Turn Water Into Wine

If you are interested in becoming a Saint, you are going to have to either be able to run a 40 yard dash in full pads in under 4.2 seconds, or perform a miracle, and let’s be honest, if you are reading this blog both of those things would be a miracle. Bazinga! (And lets be more honest, if you are reading this blog it would be an even bigger miracle if you DON’T get that Big Bang Theory reference). The easiest miracle to perform is turning water into wine; second is bringing back Lazarus from death, and third is watching Monster’s Ball with your parents and not feeling uncomfortable. Start with the water, bring on the wine.

  1. Put it in a Yellow Tail bottle and sell it for $14.95. Don’t be surprised if someone asks you where you got the good Yellow Tail. Say “Rite Aid.”
  2. Find a way to sleep at night. But how can you sleep? You sell Yellow Tail. Your best bet is to self medicate using wine that wasn’t created using water and a dirty cheesecloth.
  3. Just keep doing it. Year after year. After year. FOR SOME REASON THE LAW ISN’T STOPPING YOU. THE CONSUMERS AREN’T. SO JUST KEEP DOING IT. KEEP SLAPPING THAT KANGAROO ON THE BOTTLE.
Cow Tips!
*How dare you.
*How. Dare. You.
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