How To Avoid Thanksgiving Cleanup Duty

Thanksgiving is a cornucopia of contradictions. When Abraham Lincoln declared it a national holiday, he intended it to be a day of giving thanks. But, since Lincoln was Illuminati, he was also sowing the seeds of future sociological strife. Why else does the government require us to spend the day with the most annoying people we know: our families and lifelong friends? Do you think Beyonce wants to spend the day with Kanye and Kim? No, she’s a classy wife and mother who would much rather take the time to choreograph a Thanksgiving dance routine with Solange. Instead, she has to drown her sorrows in some Yellowtail Pinot while nodding politely as Kim tells the story about this one really funny time when she and her sisters got into a fight over a Snack Pack. Thanks to big government (read: Obamacare), you can’t avoid Thanksgiving dinner conversation – but you can avoid the only thing worse: the cleanup.

  1. The Old Tried and True Post-Dinner Food Coma: Have a trusted relative strike you in the head with a turkey leg or gravy ladle until you are unconscious. You are now unavailable for cleanup.
  2. Fake It Till You Make It: Be the first to offer to clear the table. Halfway between the dinner table and the kitchen sink, “accidentally” drop all the dishes that you are holding. Be sure to cry out loudly: “OH GOD, OH DEAR GOD, I AM SO SORRY. STUPID IDIOT. I AM A STUPID, STUPID IDIOT.” If your family doesn’t immediately entreat you to sit down and relax, then repeat the process, this time screaming: “KILL MYSELF? WHO SAID THAT?”
  3. The Hail Mary Pass: Complain of cramps, either diarrhea or menstrual. Doesn’t matter which, this is your time to be creative! Have fun with it. It’s a holiday after all! Just be sure to be graphic. It’s always fun to include some Thanksgiving imagery or specific mention of foods your family has just blessed and consumed. Here are some examples to get the ball rolling: “This rosemary breadcrumb stuffing is going to really scratch my anus on the way out. Here’s hoping I make it to the bathroom, amirite, Auntie Ruth?!” and “IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE GAVE MY UTERUS SMALLPOX BLANKETS!”
Cow Tips!
*If all else fails, chastising others loudly and with harsh language for not participating in the cleanup process is a great way to distract people from your inactivity.
*Politely offer to set up the dessert and distribute coffee and tea to all interested parties. It’s a day of thanks, for Pete’s sake, show some damn respect. Your mother worked so hard on this meal.

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